Now that Drew Carey has been named to replace Bob Barker on “The Price is Right,” producers have recently released their audition remarks about recent high-profile applicants. Sadly, none of them were asked to “come on down.”
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Applicant: Lewis “Scooter” Libby
Snappy name, nice hair…the next Wink Martindale?
Keeps whispering details of prizes to contestants before they are revealed: “Pssst. It’s a new car, but you didn’t hear it from me.”
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Applicant: Donald Trump
Needed reminding that losing contestants are not “fired.”
Some inappropriate comments : “You really want that?” and “Whoop-dee-doo, a new car.”
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Applicant: Alberto Gonzales
Might appeal to Latino demographic — with small exception that Latinos hate him.
Deferred contestant questions to his attorney, whom he then immediately fired. Later had no recollection of the entire matter.
Confirmed “showcase showdowns” not bound by the Geneva Convention.
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Applicant: Michael Moore
Kept commenting on how the products are cheaper on Canadian, French, and Cuban Price is Rights.
Secretly took contestants backstage to see what was behind Door #2.
Wouldn’t wear a suit.
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Applicant: Paul Wolfowitz
Immediately offered show announcer’s job to his girlfriend.
World Bank experience impressive, but thinks a light bulb cost $75.
Test audience thought he was CNN Host Wolf Blitzer, seemed disappointed when it was not him.
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Applicant: Paris Hilton
Seemed more comfortable around models than contestants.
Kept falling out of her dress when demonstrating The Bonus Wheel, sending one Florida-based contestant into immediate cardiac arrest.
Insisted on a larger dressing room to cure her “really bad claustrophobia.”
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Applicant: Donald Rumsfeld
Scored well with older audiences, even better with senile ones.
Kept overruling show judges on product prices.
Told one contestant week-long European tour should “only take 3-4 days, max.”
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Applicant: Katie Couric
Shows great relief at both standing up and interacting with live people.
Discouraged contestant risk-taking: Told one contestant: “The regret alone will eat you alive!”
Begged for job, offered bribe, ultimately escorted out by studio security.
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Note to self: Call Rosie again.