There’s an alarming trend occurring in this country right now. I call it, “Surprise! Here’s your ugly baby!”
Why? Because cosmetic surgery is everywhere and everyone’s getting it. And I do mean everyone. Girls in Dallas get big new breasts for their sixteenth birthdays. Boys in Manhattan get their noses rhinoplasticized for their bar mitzvahs. And in L.A., boys and girls get liposuction for their christenings. (I’m kidding…never before kindergarten.)
All these surgically altered kids float through high school, with nary a hint of the usual awkward teen years. Then, once they reach adulthood, it’s a good bet our enhanced young men and women will toss in a few more procedures. Nothing major, mind you, just some fine tuning. Maybe a little skin beaching or a chemical peel. Hair extensions for her, and hair transplants for him. Both will want highlights, naturally. And without question, there will be a trip or two to the laser center to take care of that unsightly back hair (his) and stubborn mustache (hers).
Alrighty, then. Now that they’re sculpted into something other than themselves, it’s time for the most important event in their lives thus far — the mad dash to find soul mates, of course. And that’s where things start to get interesting.
Here’s the scenario: Their eyes meet across a crowded bar. She is chic, attractive and slim. He is tall and ruggedly handsome. There’s chemistry. They start dating and before you know it, they’re engaged. They have a lavish wedding featuring multiple ice sculptures and mashed potatoes tinted to match the bridesmaid’s dresses. And finally, the happy newlyweds jet down to St. Croix for a picture-perfect honeymoon devoid of cellulite, love handles or back hair. (Sounds idyllic, right? Well, hold onto your Botox, we’re just getting to the good part.) Nine months later, they rush to the hospital, giddy at the arrival of their first child — the culmination of their mutual, perfect love.
At which point the new Mommy and Daddy look at each other in horror and revulsion.
You see, despite how attractive this young couple has become through the marvels of modern medicine, there’s no avoiding one giant miscalculation. Babies are born with original parts. Yep, we’re talking her former hooked nose, his pre-lasered uni-brow. Her nearsighted — and let’s be honest — slightly crossed eyes, his utter lack of anything resembling a chin. Her pencil-thin lips, his Dumbo ears. And thanks to both of them, enough back hair to knit a sweater. Not to mention enough ugly in reserve to make for a very difficult adolescence.
Let’s face it: human genes tend to be pretty stubborn. Especially the ugly ones, which are stronger than porcelain veneers. Ugly genes will not be ignored. And there isn’t a plastic surgeon on this earth who can do a hair-plucking thing about it.
And there’s yet another interesting wrinkle to this situation: we human beings are often attracted to people who possess the very qualities we lack. Petite women are attracted to taller guys. Fat guys want thin girls. Shy people gravitate towards gregarious types. That’s nature’s way of giving our progeny a shot at normalcy.
Genetically speaking, all these cosmetically altered people are sending an inaccurate and fraudulent primal message to potential mates. It’s irresponsible, really. Our fanatical quest for beauty is leading the human race to a future of inescapable uglyhood. With so many people blindly double-dipping into the gene pool of unattractiveness, we’ve begun breeding an entire generation of ugly-squared offspring. And the poor children! Imagine what their lives will be like. It’s hard going through life as an ugly kid.
Especially with such good-looking parents.