As parents, we learn after a diaper change, or two, that you must change a boy’s diaper quickly or there’s a strong chance your cute, little baby boy will pee all over you. Unfortunately, we tend to forget this in the middle of the night when our focus is getting the baby, and ourselves, back to sleep as fast as humanly possible. However, after my father told me the following story, I vowed I’d never forget.
My father’s friend, George, was innocently changing his newborn son’s diaper late one night. George opened the diaper and, half-awake, rubbed his eyes, stretched, and yawned several times.
During one of those yawns, George’s son not only peed on him but directly into his mouth. After that, the story gets a little hazy. Some say George brushed his teeth for three hours straight, others, three days straight. Either way, my father claims, “he never changed a diaper again.”
At the conclusion, my first thought was wow, what marksmanship. This kid may have a future as a sniper. I then realized this was no joke –- at least not for George — and that it could happen to me.
I began formulating an ingenious strategy to avoid my son’s pee. First, I’d get a surgeon’s mask to cover my mouth. Second, I’d keep safety goggles bedside to avoid being shot in the eye and temporarily blinded against all oncoming pee. Lastly, I’d would wear old, ratty clothes to bed, just in case he hit the mark.
The plan seemed foolproof. Unfortunately, there was one flaw -– daytime pee. My son peed on me before I could finalize the plan. Maybe there was a simpler solution. If I changed my son at an angle, I could simply avoid the pee. (If it hit the cat… well, at least it’s not me.) Being the brain surgeon that I am, I concluded this would work day or night.
As I changed my son’s diaper from odd angles, my wife looked on and laughed. I didn’t care. I was not going to be peed on and outdone by an infant. I was going to have the last laugh.
Much to my dismay, my new plan also had a flaw. My son, similar to George’s son, had the aim of Clint Eastwood in a Spaghetti Western. He managed to spray me even as I changed him from the most awkward angles. I’m not one for conspiracies but I swear there was a second shooter.
Down, but not out, I tried one last time to find a solution. Then the unthinkable happened. As I changed my son’s diaper one day, he projectile pooped all over me. I screamed like a frightened teenage girl watching a horror movie. I never saw it coming. In fact, I didn’t know such a thing existed. It was at that point, I was truly defeated.
My wife once again had the last laugh. However, I did learn one thing in this experience: to keep my mouth shut whenever I change my son’s diaper. (According to my wife, “the only time I know when to keep my mouth shut.”) At least I won’t suffer that indignity.