Boston, MA – In a landmark case for matrimonial rights, a Boston man married himself today in a private service. Roland Nigland, 31, stood before a municipal judge and a small gathering of close friends to profess his love to himself in what is believed to be the first, same-person marriage on record.
“From the moment that I saw my reflection in the mirror,” said Nigland, “I fell in love with myself.” Nigland confessed that the first time that he started to experience strong feelings for himself was in the third grade. “I pulled a dirty T-shirt out of the laundry hamper and pressed my face into the armpit. I couldn’t get that fragrance out of my mind.”
As Nigland became a young man, he started to experience undeniable sexual feelings for himself. “At first, I tried to ignore them. But, one day when my hand innocently brushed up against my thigh, I knew that I had to take it to the next level.”
At first, Nigland innocently flirted with himself in the school library, but was fearful that someone might catch him in the act, so he started renting cheap rooms at the Bedford Motel. “I was always nervous when I checked in. When the desk clerk asked me how many guests would be spending the night, even though I knew it was only me, I would start to sweat.”
After several years of clandestine meetings, Nigland finally decided to come out of the closet. At dinner one evening, Nigland confessed to his parents that he was in love with himself and that he was making plans to marry. His parents were stunned.
“What about that attractive Elaine Lieberman down the street?” exclaimed his mother. “And what about starting a family?” Nigland tried explaining to his parents that after years of futilely dating women, there was really only one person for him: himself.
Now that the pressure was off, Nigland finally began to openly enjoy the pleasure of his own company. He could walk down the street, holding his hand in his. He could snuggle against his own shoulder. He could whisper sexual innuendos to himself. When confronted by friends, he didn’t have to fabricate excuses about his “missing date.” Instead, people began to see him as a couple. There were other benefits, too.
“When I used to date women, I’d always have to wait around for them while they got dressed, wondering how long it would be until they’d be ready. Now, when I’m getting dressed for a night out on the town, I always know exactly how long it will be until I’m ready to go.”
Nigland brought up a number of other benefits of marrying yourself. “For years, I racked my brains over what would be the appropriate birthday or Christmas gift for my girlfriend. Well, those days are over. Now, whenever I buy a gift for myself, it’s exactly what I wanted, the right size and color. And no more guessing what’s in the little box underneath the Christmas tree!”
And what about the sex? “Unbelievable,” said Nigland. “Last year on vacation in Hawaii, I booked a suite at the Fairmont Orchid and had a magnum of Champagne sent up, just to surprise myself. Then after a fabulous dinner, I hopped over the threshold (since I couldn’t really carry myself)!”
What’s in Nigland’s future? “I hope to inspire other men and women to marry themselves. Think about how much a movement like this could impact the staggering divorce rates. Why, we’d cut it down to nil.” He’s also thinking about establishing a foundation to support others who would like to marry themselves.
“I’d like to set up the “Roland Nigland Half-way House for Self-lovers” so that they won’t have to suffer the same indignities that I did. I’m also thinking of starting a new clothing line called ‘I Love Me So Much’ that will feature pants, shirts and blouses that are reversible; one side for each of you.”