During a mid-afternoon respite in my man cave, I was watching another riveting episode of Oprah. As I’m a middle age, balding, fat white guy, some might think this was unusual.
I don’t care.
Anyway, this episode was about the governors and golfer, who got caught. You know, caught! That Carolina governor who walked the Appalachian Trail in South America, the other governor that took “maid service” to a whole new level, and the golfer whose wife could hit a driver with a 9 iron. They all got caught sexting.
I am a “with it” man of the 90s, what is sexting?
I was intrigued. So I called up my neighbor, a 30 year old twenty something, living with his mom.
“Dude, sexting, is when you send naughty stuff to your girlfriend in a text message.”
“What’s a text message?”
“Oh really my phone can do that?”
Now I was curious, who should I text first, my girlfriend Donna, who dumped me three years ago, she seemed like a good candidate.
I started out slow and patient, this was my first time. I hit the send button and off the message went to wherever these messages go when they go.
Then I got a message back. WOW this really works.
Your txt message to your Doctor has been sent.
Doctor! No it was supposed to go to Donna!
Moments later my phone beeped. You have 1 txt message.
My doctor had actually responded back to my text.
N ur condition, u shld not b do n such actvty! Have u had ur hrt chkd?
Two days later I got a bill for $150 for a consultation. So far this sexting thing wasn’t what I thought it was.
Later, at one of my board meetings, which to the common eye would look like a group of octogenarians sitting at a McDonald’s drinking coffee, I turned the conversation to sexting
“You don’t know about sexting?” Jan blurted
“Well not really.”
“You nimrod, Jan is the best at sexting!” Norm exclaimed which surprised me because I thought Norm was deaf.
Jan is an 80 year old great grandmother with fire engine red hair, which I don’t believe is her natural color.
“Yea she sex-texts all of us.” Jim said.
Then I looked down the table as 8, 80 plus year old men, held up their phones each with a grin from ear to ear.
“What’s your number sonny?” Jan demanded
I gave it to her and within a minute I had my first legitimate sex-text.
“OH MY GOD! Is this legal?”
This explained why there were 9 guys and Jan at these board meetings.
It seems that Jan has taken up sexting as a way to keep her mind and hands active, she said it was better than drinking Gin all day.
I became one of Jan’s minions, in my mind she wasn’t the 80 year octogenarian but a nubile young 30 something with desires for me. I am lucky my mind works that way.
Soon though I found that during sexting my hand would fall asleep, then Jan wanted to know what kind of protection I was using. She didn’t want our texts to be infected with a virus.
Then I realized the length of my texts varied, the morning they were short and sweet, by midafternoon my texts got longer, and then in the evening I settled back to hardly any at all. Especially after a big meal.
I confessed to Jim about my sexting.
“You need to be using the little blue keys, you can sex-text for 4 hours.”
Once I started using the little blue keys, I found I could text a lot longer at a time, and up to four hours. I was texting everyone about that, even my doctor.
At last my bill came, texting wasn’t free, in fact it was at the opposite end of free. I took out a second mortgage on the house and went to pay the bill. At the phone center they offered me the various options. I had a decision to make: was I going to commit to unlimited texting or would this just be a short term relationship and pay as I go.
Commitment, damn it.
Unlimited texts, I decided, I was all in.
At my next board meeting, Norm came up to me. I told him I had signed up for unlimited texts.
“Good sonny, does your phone get pictures?”