As an adult (sic), one discovery I keep making is that most of what we were taught in school is bunk. Reams of facts with a Real World Reusability Factor of zero. I don’t know about you, but in my social circles, the per capita income of pre-industrial Europe almost never comes up.
I’ve never been asked, “What, again, is that Latin third person plural of ‘to love’?” I’ve never been vetted with, “Okay, I’ll go out with you, after you discuss, in 250 words or less, the broad use of irony in the short stories of O. Henry. Include examples.”
All my life, I’ve been avoiding responsibility, and salads, and I’ve yet to get myself out of a jam by knowing the value of pi.
(I did say ‘hypotenuse’ once, but I meant something else.)
Schools should prepare us for real issues, like the timeless, burning question: Why do guys act like that?
Specifically, American guys, who are different than guys in non-NASCAR countries. For example, in Africa, some women all do the hard labor, including, well, labor, building the homes, cooking, cleaning, and driving off George Clooney.
So here’s a handy “What Would A Guy Do?” quiz.
There are two grocers near your neighborhood. How does a guy choose between the two?
A) High quality
B) Low prices
C) An aesthetically pleasing fresh produce space
D) Distance from the parking lot to the beer
What plot device guarantees a guy will love a movie?
B) Women in cars
C) Women in cars, with weapons
D) Nearly-clothed, heavily armed, gladiator women with massive, uh, glandular disorders
What production element ensures a guy will hate a movie?
C) Animated forest animals, unless they’re heavily armed
D) Hugh Grant
Of the grocer’s 48 check-out lanes, 3 are actually open. How does a guy pick a lane?
A) The one with the least customers
B) The one with the least overflowing carts
C) The one with the most magazines discussing drastic diets, ditzy Kardashians, and Hugh Grant
D) The one with the check-out clerk named Amber
What does a guy consider to be a new car’s most important feature?
A) Great miles per gallon
B) Great safety ratings
C) Free pizza with any test drive
D) The car was in a TV commercial, where it got hand-washed by a burger-eating blonde
When shopping for a television, what technical spec is most important to a guy?
A) A crisp, bright picture
B) A long-lasting display
C) A remote control where, roughly, the number of buttons = pi
D) A screen the size of your average pre-industrial European nation
To save time, a guy decides to use the grocer’s self-check-out. Of course, one item won’t scan, because the whole self-check-out process was designed by evil mutant space-alien trolls who hate Earthlings and never trim their nose hair.
That was not part of the quiz – I just needed to get that off my chest.
When it comes to job interviews, what is a guy’s greatest fear?
A) An unattractive salary
B) An unattractive benefits package
C) An unattractive but flirty boss
D) An unattractive but flirty boss who’s a guy
When it comes to eating out alone, what is a guy’s greatest fear?
A) The big-screen TVs might all be tuned to professional league bowling
B) Those pitying sidelong stares from other restaurant patrons
C) The dreaded self-Heimlich
D) That fight-or-flight moment at the salad bar when he contemplates just exactly why they call it a “sneeze guard”
According to the Creation story, God took a rib from Adam, the first guy. What happened to the rib?
A) It became Eve, Adam’s helpmeet
B) It became Eve, whom Adam called the ‘apple of my eye,’ although that little term of endearment soured quickly
C) It became the first body part to be represented by celebrity attorney Gloria Allred
D) No one really knows, but ever since then, guys have had this thing about barbecue
By the way: I didn’t intend to just discuss guys. But nobody could agree on the female equivalent of the word ‘guy.’
Neither ‘girl’ nor ‘gal’ will suit. ‘Ladies’ is corny, as is ‘the other half.’ ‘Distaff’ is pretentious; besides, half of Facebook would think I was talking about a stick.
One can’t say ‘babe,’ one can’t say ‘chick’ and, though it worked well once upon a time, one can no longer say ‘dolls.’
And don’t even ask Rush Limbaugh what one can’t say.