When watching television, it’s common to see advertisements for upcoming movies. The intention is to persuade you to put on some pants and head to the cinema. The producers will resort to any measures necessary to have that accomplished. That includes spoiling the best parts and if they don’t receive positive feedback from real critics, they’ll quote favorable remarks from dimwitted people who saw an advanced screening. A movie studio ranks a film’s success on how much money it rakes in rather than the number of stars it receives.
With that being the case, I’ve developed an art to estimating from a preview as to whether I’m going to enjoy a movie or not. Although it only offers a short tease, it’s very calculated and everything in it is there for a reason. That allows me to pinpoint if there is actual merit or if the preview is attempting to pull the wool over my eyes. After some testing, I have created 4 distinct categories in which I place a movie solely from viewing a preview and explain them below.
Sure Bet – This is when I am positive the movie is going to be a winner. The preview displays witty banter, gritty violence, classy nudity or a complex love rhombus. The innovative plot has created something like a battle in futuristic Space Mesopotamia and the cast members have checkered pasts along with being known as difficult to work with. I’ll risk my namesake on the quality of the film and rally a crowd to follow me to the theater. I’m so convinced that the picture is going to be awesome that my mind is already preparing for pats on the back for selecting it. If perchance the overall consensus of the flick is poor afterwards, I’ll go to my grave defending it. My ego put this movie on such a high pedestal that my opinion to love it was cemented before watching it.
Metro-Sexual – This movie can swing either way. The preview showed moments of potential but balanced it with some doubt. It could tease an exciting plot about terrorists poisoning America’s beer supply but yet have talking animals. Since I lack complete faith I wouldn’t jeopardize my movie choosing reputation on it. Instead, I’d hope a friend recommends we go so they shoulder the burden. Also, I may try to squeeze it in an unexpected free time, like if I get kicked out of a bar or the boss calls in sick so I am forced to take a long lunch. This lowers the expectations because it wasn’t my suggestion or is in a spot where I’m merely killing time. If it’s outstanding, than it was the surprise of the day. If it was awful, than it wasn’t my idea or it had to have been better than reorganizing audit reports from “my system” to the more company-approved alphabetical one.
Ten Seconder – Once while in the waiting room of a dentist I “accidentally” opened a beauty magazine and read that a woman knows within the first 10 seconds of meeting a male if she will sleep with him. Well after ten seconds of preview, I know that I will never do this movie. I’ll hold no ill will towards it and hope it finds that special audience but it’s not my type. Maybe it’s a documentary about pattern sewing, a musical about an elderly woman reinventing herself or it stars Tom Cruise. Whatever the case, it’s irrelevant to me and we hold no future together. As far as I am concerned, this movie never existed and is erased from my memory. Wait, what was I writing about again?
Sore Fist – Instead of simply being uninterested by this preview, I turn livid as my blood begins to boil. I marvel as to how this project was ever financed. I’m certain I’d find more entertainment in vacuuming pennies or eating burnt toast. The movie has washed up actors, recycled plots and relies on crotch or vomit jokes. With the anger fueling inside me, I’ll debate heading to the cinema to purchase a ticket and hang around outside the theater before it plays. Then anyone I spot entering, I’d be able to punch in the face. I wouldn’t even fear legal consequences because I’m convinced a court of law would deem my actions as reasonable. Obviously the judge would rule that the plaintiff was encouraging the director to write a sequel and needed some sense knocked into them.