I fell hard, and fast. Okay, so the relationship hasn’t been a lasting soul-mate love. But, man oh man, what a “melt your toenails” affair! Firm, sensuous contours bulging under soft, tight leather—ooh, baby! We met while riding together in my friend Bob’s new car. For several months, every embrace has given warmth and meaning to my life. But the magic is gone. After all, it’s spring—who the hell needs a heated car seat?!?

Rousting my self-pity, I sent a few bucks to a manatee rescue operation—to help pay for the usual algae snacks, nose jobs, and hair plugs. Perhaps I misunderstood the group’s definition of “adoption,” for I received the following response.

Thank you for your donation and willingness to adopt a young manatee! These marine creatures live up to 60 years, and your long-term commitment will enable a deserving manatee to prance from deprivation into a full, enriched life.

Your manatee’s name is George. Normally, we include a photo and bio with this letter, but George is already enroute to you! He would smile if he could. His unusual mouth parts make smiling impossible, but thanks to you, plastic surgery may be in his future. To facilitate his adjustment to living with a commoner, please note the following information.

YOUR MANATEE: Some assembly required. Haha, just jerking your chain. Little Georgie will arrive fully assembled, and his half-ton, 13-foot body needs only your LOVE! Actually, a front-end loader would be real handy too. How else will he get from the UPS truck into your swimming pool? Fly?? If you don’t have a pool or pond, you will be tempted to make do by hauling an old bathtub into the garage. You are truly pathetic.

Speaking of pools, you can avert the nasty business of clogged filters if you litter-train your manatee. It’s simple! Just empty that extra bedroom, line it with a 12×14-foot OSHA-approved vinyl shell, fill with gravel, and scoop daily! To help with this expense, we’ve enclosed a discount coupon for a box of baking soda.

Your manatee is hairless and doesn’t shed. So don’t fret about costly perms, weaves or the dreadlocks so popular now among aquatic mammals. But you can always show your love with an open wallet! Manatees swim at birth, but if George takes a shine to synchronized swimming, do plan on shelling out a few nickels for team costumes and glitter makeup.

Manatees communicate with body language and a variety of squeaks and squeals. George is very special, and descended from royal blood lines. However, he struggles with a daunting social handicap—stuttering. Poseidon be praised, this impediment is rare among manatees! George’s daily speech therapy should include singing, jiggling his funny lips, and cursing with a British accent.

Communication skills will soar if you both learn American Sign Language. George will find this physically difficult because he has three-toed flippers. Of course, we don’t have a clue what your flimsy excuse will be. Anyway, he has three toes, so think before blurting, “Dude, gimme five!” Improving George’s vocalizations and confidence will require your total, unwavering commitment. Oh, and credit cards.

When transporting your manatee to speech therapy, sign language classes, or the occasional Weight Watcher meeting, a typical car seat may be inadequate. Quit whining, it’s not always about you, okay? Invest in a flat-bed trailer; the enclosed brochure details easy payment options.

Manatees have excellent hearing, but cannot turn their heads sideways. Thus, your manatee may appear to ignore your commands to sit, wear a bathing cap, or “show mama that li’l jelly belly.” In all likelihood, however, he is indeed ignoring you.

With your encouragement, George might even pursue a career in law enforcement. It’s true! Thousands of adopted manatees proudly serve our communities in elite mounted police units.

So, start saving—-a custom saddle the size of a loveseat will set you back some.