Upon deciding they had way too much money and life in their English mansion was getting monotonous, Brits Peter and Constance decided to move to the bowels of Mongolia. The day in and day out of servants at their beck and call was tiresome. All they had to do was summon Edward or James and their every need was taken care of. If Peter didn’t feel like even leaning to pick up his sandwich, Edward was there in a heartbeat feeding it to him. Or if Constance had had just enough of raising their children, James was at her service, as well. All in all, life had become mundane.
Constance was, of course, a second wife and thirty years Peter’s junior. This happens when men reach financial security and begin to think with an organ other than their brains. Wife number one looked every bit her fifty some years while Constance, with her perky breasts and teased hair, was the perfect accompaniment to Peter’s stout strut and balding head. She mumbled and he was hard of hearing. It was a match made in heaven. The only thing missing was a remote pile of rubbish they could call home.
In Mongolia, they would be able to find the true meaning in life amid common folk and be pulled back to ancestral times. They would buy a 400 B.C. house and spend the rest of their lives restoring same, giving up all creature comforts they had known.
“Peetah, come quick. I believe I’ve found a toilet in this ancient ruin.”
“Why, yes, my darling Connie. That is stunning. How brilliant of you. This is indeed going to make a lovely home. Let’s toast to our astounding luck and fortune.”
Rubble surrounds them as they silently try their best to imagine how this “find” will someday turn into something livable, but as Brits, they are extremely optimistic and find the good in the smallest of details.
“Why, Peetah. Isn’t this absolutely charming? I found an old rustic can, probably from the era of Alexander the Great.”
“Ah, you are indeed brilliant. A true archaeological find. I do believe I can make out the words “Pabst Blue Ribbon” on one side. This is the beginning of many a discovery, I’m sure. Once again, let’s toast to our new lives together.”
Walking the thousand steps up to the first terrace, they had magnificent views of the land. Mountain after mountain with valleys laden in rice paddies, it truly was a majestic view. Eighty year old women, wrinkled from years of toiling in the hot summer sun and the equally brutal winters seemed to gesticulate upon noticing they were being watched.
“Peetah, it looks like those peasant women gave me the middle finger.”
“Oh, don’t be silly, mon petit chou chou. They are grateful we’re here to give them jobs. When they’re done in the rice paddies, I’ll talk to them about hauling some boulders up to the terrace.
“Oh, Peetah. Isn’t it adorable? I see one of the woman squatting. I do believe she is giving birth.”
“How charming, my little love poodle. Why, this is like our very own National Geographic!”
Entering the “home”, Constance pointed out there was no kitchen, much less indoor plumbing. The toilet she had seen outside earlier was in fact the only semblance of a commode anywhere. There wasn’t even a floor, yet they felt the $1 million asking price was a steal.
“You could never find this kind of character in London,” Peter declared.
“No, indeed, Peetah. The rustic beauty is indeed charming. Oh, watch out for that open cesspool, darling.”
“Good eye, my pet. Seems this gurgling, churning green slime will have to be taken care of I imagine before we move in.”
“Just part of the charm, Peetah.”
American house hunters, on the other hand, are a different breed altogether. They find it appalling if their $60,000 budget doesn’t include maids quarters, hot tubs, and helicopter landing pads. One recent episode showed a very disgruntled couple who loved every aspect of this $40,000 house with the exception of the bathroom faucets.
“Lloyd, I do feel we can do better elsewhere. We’ve seen 857 homes so far. What’s one more? There is no way I can live with faucets that looks like that.”
“Agreed, Cynthia. What would prompt people to put in that style of faucet is beyond me. Such a shame. Let‘s keep on looking.”