One of the joys of living in Los Angeles, aside from the Kardashians being our role models, is awakening each morning to discover that, during the night, we haven’t been burglarized. This is due to diligent effort of our citizens–the backbone and nasal passages of L.A.–who no longer carelessly toss our house keys under the mat. We place them carefully, instead, in our mailbox.
But I suspect that this just isn’t enough.
Take my neighbor next door. After he installed $3,000 tamper-proof numerical locks and indestructible steel deadbolts, a thief rammed his door down with a trashcan sitting in the driveway. This is the type of thing that locksmiths never tell you about during their numerical lock installations. Well, I for one, refuse to take such crimes lying down, unless it’s time for the Wheel of Forture to come on. Which brings me to the question on everyone’s mind: What’s the truth about Charlie Sheen? No, that’s not the right question. I meant: Are we alert to suspicious-looking activity in our neighborhoods? I had a close call, myself, last week when I spotted something fishy on my balcony.
MARGIE: (hollering) Hey, you up there, with that black trash bag! What are you doing entering my second-story bedroom window?
STRANGER: Who, me? I just like climbing to keep physically fit.
MARGIE: Oh, okay. I thought you were one of those burglars.
As you can readily see, we just can’t be too careful. We citizens, who constantly put our noses to the grindstone only to run short of those nose- sized band-aids, must protect not only our families, but all that garage storage, so it’ll be in good condition when the Salvation Army comes to pick it up.
With all due modesty, then, I think that I have The Answer to burglary prevention. Inspired by innovators like Leonardo di Vinci, Thomas Edison, and Paula Abdul, I’ve invented a deterrent: “Obscur-O-Tex.” Its life-size plastic fold-out feature will blanket your home’s exterior with a realistic appearance of squalor and decay. Painstakingly crafted, it is guaranteed to repulse even the most drug-crazed, nose-ringed burglars. They’ll be certain to bypass your house and rob your annoying neighbors instead.
Priced at only $299. for this fine plastic house cover, “Obscur-O-Tex” comes with your choice of faded paint colors and broken shutters at no extra charge. If you order now, you’ll receive realistic-looking tarnished porch lights with broken glass. Such true-to-life detail is guaranteed to repel highly aggressive salesmen, pushy evangelists, and obnoxious neighbors. This promises to be a fine investment, especially if you don’t like to have company.
I sincerely believe that this product ensures Angelenos of safety, but of their birthright: life, liberty, and the pursuit of repulsive exteriors. It’s our chance to protect our valuable homes, even if they do eventually slide down the hill or collapse from an occasional earthquake. But hey, that’s one of the joys of L.A. home ownership, right? I said, right?