I’ve always strived to be the best that I can be. I was that kid who put the extra BB into the windshield of that 74 Ford, striving to perfect the outline of a lone, single female boobie, the little nipple BB putting the finishing touches on that masterpiece. I felt Super as I raised my Red Rider BB gun into the air and shouted “Are you not entertained!”
From that day onward, my friends call me Super Boob.
As I graduated to more violent guns, like the .22 or the super fast 7 MM Mag, they became the extra tool I had in my tool-belt for the art of war I would perform on wildlife, some living in and out of caged quarters. If it wasn’t the pen-raised quail that I could pick off-hand at 50 steps, it was the running boar hog dodging my spot light as I landed yet another “Super Shot”. I had graduated to the nickname Super Death.
But the joys of being Super have lost their innocence, a downward spiral of our societies capitalistic instincts gone awry. If it isn’t Big Company making a “Super Computer”, it’s the small guy offering a “Super Low” deal on some kind of furniture made out of a recycled refrigerator box and duct tape. And now, in a blatant disregard for morals, ethics, and the joy of just being known as a common criminal, the government of Georgia has turned up the heat.
They have invented the Super Criminal.
You heard me correctly sports fan. Tired of just being a speeder? Why not be a certified Super Speeder? Simply pack up your families station wagon, drive on over to Georgia, find any two-lane road, and go 20 MPH over the speed limit for as long as you can. Any cop with a commission will certainly pull you over, give you a Super Speeder ticket with matching rear window decals, and send you on your way to the Billy Bob’s Bait and Loan for that money you’ll need to live the lifestyle of the Super Speeder.
Admittedly, being a Super Speeder seems harmless enough. That is until you get some egomaniac that is tired of regular old tickets and labels. The real crowd-pleaser is when we start getting into a bigger recession or the state wants to build a new swimming pool for crack babies. That’s right, soon we will have the likes of Super Drug Dealer or Super Gun Shooter convictions as part of the revenue-making scheme. And it is certain to back fire.
I can already see it now. There is this drug dealer named Hector who is bound and determined to one up his competition. He consults marketing advisors. He reads the advertising journals.
But then, what the hell, he watches the news and sees that the State of Georgia is instituting a new Super Drug Dealer tag to those who sell more than 5 ounces of cocaine a day. Well, Hector has his marketing now! He simply markets himself as a Super Drug Dealer, lives on the street credit he’ll get if he gets captured, and basks in the glory of being a Super Criminal at the Super State Prison. The mere mention of his name would draw interest on his bank account.
But that’s not all. Hector wants something a bit dangerous added to his title. So, he buys a grenade launcher to put himself into the category of Super Gun Shooter. But wait, there’s more! If Hector acts now, he can also earn the title of Super Pimp Daddy if he simply adds 5 more to his harem. And if that isn’t enough, the more research Hector does, the more he realizes he could franchise this Super label statewide. He could open a Super Crack House so everyone caught there gets the Super Crackhead conviction.
I must be honest with you here. I’m all for watching Super heroes at the movies but the last thing we need is the government to start enticing people into taking their crime to the next level. If a state government wants more money, then they should become a Super State..a place where they give all the residents their damn Super Tax Money back!