In an ominous development reminiscent of the cold war, last week Russia was discovered to be amassing millions of cubic feet of frigid Siberian air, along the border of Ukraine and the small huddled States of the Baltic. The polar air build up coincides with Russia’s recent spate of belligerent statements about western interference in Russia’s “near abroad” and its right to produce as much freezing air and heated rhetoric as it pleases.
Western European leaders expressed concern that Russia was returning to its bullying cold war ways. And they voiced a common suspicion that Vladimir Putin had unleashed the snow and wintery storms that have recently buried Europe and North America under snowdrifts and freezing temperatures. European leaders also expressed concern, that Russia may be storing hidden pockets of deep freezing snow, air, and ice, beyond the Ural mountains, outside the viewing range of western satellites and weather inspection services.
The Russian Minister of “abroad Stan affairs”, Yaroslav Dmitri Vladiput Gaporchevnick, denied Russia’s involvement in Europe’s winter storms but admitted that Russia has continued to build up its stocks of Siberian air:
“Russia’s frigid atmosphere buildup is a logical response to European and North America, and now Chinese, build up of global warming. Why you complain because Russia moves one pawn against everybody’s global rook attack?”
Ralf Leiterf, of the CIA’s Wind, Rain, and Fog Division offered this assessment of Russia’s aggressive Siberian stance from his floating office blimp:
“As global warming spreads and China produces more and more green house gases, Russia old fashioned fear and paranoia about being encircled by Western and Eastern ‘C02 emissions and warm air masses’ has re-emerged.
The U.S. military could blast the stratosphere above Moscow with a tropical jet stream from Honolulu’s Hickman Air Force base and let the colliding air mix explode into a “Fog”.
However, this is dangerous because we can’t expect both the U.S. and Russia to keep their heads straight through the fog of a Fog war.“
To underscore the seriousness of Russia’s winter buildup, Georgian President Mikhail Saakasvili was discovered sending frantic messages to the governments of the United States and “eight equatorial countries” asking for warm air donations. According to news sources, Georgian “weather agents” had intercepted a large mass of “polar Siberian air” moving, from Russia’s southern border towards Georgia.
Sources said the small independent Caucasus nation had been put on war, and ice, footing and was storing up on blankets, ice skates and hockey pucks.
Russian Minister Gaporchevnick denied Russia was planning to invade Georgia with a battalion of Siberian temperatures and ice, and accused the Georgian President of fomenting international hysteria over “snow flurries” and a little winter frost. He then suggested that the Georgian President retire to lower Uganda, where he might better appreciate Siberia’s moderating contribution to Georgia’s climate.
Western European leaders announced that they were sending eight thousand tropical plants to Georgia’s border areas to monitor the situation.
Shortly after Georgia’s President’s plea, photographers for Moscow’s newspaper, Pravda, captured Russian Premier Vladimir Putin, on film, cross country skiing without a shirt , hat or ski boots, outside the Siberian city of Novosibirsk. When asked by reporters about the Georgian President’s remarks, Mr. Putin rolled up a snowball and crushed it with his bare left hand.
The Georgian President immediately called a press conference in the Georgian capital of Tbilisi, where, before press cameras, he seized a ”significant sized bunch” of Georgian grapes in his right hand, and, crushed them into a sour wine soup.
In the wake of their public “fist fight” Secretary of State Hillary Clinton invited both former Soviet bloc leaders to Washington to make an “anti-global warming snowman” on the White House lawn.
Mrs. Clinton then invited Russian President Medvedev to Al Gore’s private video studio to “contemplate,” “breathe” and “sigh” with the former U.S. Vice President.
As the cold sweep of air burrowed down on Georgia, the European tropical plant monitors quickly froze and wilted, setting off alarms and Christmas carols in six different European capitals.
Premier Putin quickly invited world leaders to Novosibirsk to carve out ice sculptures of a Russian tank battalion and to celebrate the millionth anniversary of the “last ice age.”
As the mass of Siberian air finally swept across Georgia, the CIA’s Ralf Leiterf offered his final view:
“The next time Russian weather spills over the borders we plan to catch it with blimp bags and send it as indoor air conditioning aid to lower Uganda.”