I want to teach a class on sleeping with men, but it would not be about sex. It would be on how to fall asleep crowded into a tiny corner of the bed, with no covers, while listening to loud snoring.

Most women accomplish this feat through sheer exhaustion, but there are better methods. Even though it sounds like an impossible undertaking, there are ways to manage a sleeping man that young women need to learn before they develop chronic back pain from sleeping in awkward positions.

First, my qualifications for teaching such a class include being married for 20 years to a man who outweighs me by sixty pounds and whose snores rattle the walls. In addition, we spent the first 14 years of that marriage sleeping on a full size mattress before buying up to a queen. Now for a sample of some of the lessons that the class would include.

Lesson #1: Fork out the cash for a king size mattress. Go into debt if necessary. Young couples are famous for going into credit card debt anyway, it might as well be for something you spend a third of your life using.

Lesson #2: If you don’t have a king size mattress yet, or if your husband still crowds you into a small corner of it, there are ways to move an unconscious man who is larger than you are. Simple shoving has its uses, not the least of which is venting your own anger and frustration. However, sometimes he wakes up enough to get angry, and sometimes he doesn’t wake up enough to roll over.

If you combine gentle prodding with sexual caresses, you’ll have better luck with getting him moving and keeping him happy. The secret is to not overdo it to the point that he actually wakes up completely and expects you to have sex with him. This is a technique that each woman must master through trial and error.

Lesson #3: Getting the blankets back is a lot like getting your husband back to his side of the bed. Yanking them from where they are tangled around his limbs can work, but it might annoy him. Also, as above, if he doesn’t wake up at all, it can be like trying to untangle the cords under your computer desk…just when you think you have everything straight, you realize all you’ve done is get it twisted up worse.

I recommend trying the simple yank first, but gently. If this fails, caress any body part that is trapping the covers until he shifts enough to dislodge them. If he takes this as a sexual advance and starts making some advances of his own, immediately pull the newly freed covers over yourself and feign sleep.

Lesson #4: There are no easy solutions for snoring. You can try nasal strips. You can encourage your husband to lose weight if his snoring is a byproduct of a weight problem. You might even send him off to a surgeon to try and correct the problem. None of these is guaranteed to work. I know someone who had this surgery twice, yet he still snores. If you sleep with one of these problem snorers, the remaining options are not attractive. You can wear earplugs, train yourself to sleep through it (my method), use music to distract from it, or go to the extreme of moving into the guest bedroom. One hopeful note is that often you can temporarily stop the snoring if you can get him to change positions. See Lesson #2 on how to accomplish this.

There are further lessons on dealing with bad breath, cold feet, and fights over how high to set the thermostat, but those are for the advanced class. I strongly recommend both classes before getting married or divorced. My goal is to improve relationships, one good night’s sleep at a time.