(Note: The “Boyfriend” mentioned in the following essay may or may not be myself. In addition, the “Girlfriend” mentioned may or may not be my actual girlfriend who wishes to remain anonymous. There! Happy, honey?)
Valentine’s Day is next week and I need to think of a gift for my girlfriend.
But not just any gift, something special. Something that says “I love you.” Something that could make up for any screw-up I could possibly make as a boyfriend – like forgetting an anniversary, not noticing a new haircut, or accidentally setting fire to her house while making myself a bowl of Easy Mac.
This gift needs to cover all those bases (especially the last one!).
I wracked my brain and have narrowed it down to the following romantic items…
…A John Deere riding mower
…A grill (not the kind you cook with, but the kind you wear on your teeth)
…A grill (not the kind you wear on your teeth, but the kind you cook with)
…A copy of the book ‘A Knight and His Weapons’ by Ewart Oakeshotte (a great book on Medieval warfare)
…Aloe-vera (she sustained minor burns from the Easy Mac/fire incident)
So out of those things, I need to decide which one screams ‘I love you!’ the most. Ooh! Just thought of one more…
…A parrot trained to scream ‘I love you!’ on command.
Hmm. Tough decision. Oh well, I have a whole week to think about it so there’s no rush.
FEBRUARY 14th – 2:15 a.m.
Oh my God, oh my God, I’m dead, I’m dead, she’s gonna kill me.
I can’t believe I forgot to get a present. This is bad. I’m so dead.
Well, hold on. Maybe I’m blowing this out of proportion. Maybe she forgot about Valentine’s Day too.
GIRLFRIEND: (tired) Hello?
BOYFRIEND: Darling! My love! How are you, my schnookie-wookie-pie?
GIRLFRIEND: It’s two-fifteen in the morning…
BOYFRIEND: Oh, sorry. I was just calling to tell you how much I love you!
GIRLFRIEND: What did you do?
BOYFRIEND: (defensive) Nothing! Can’t I call just to say I love you?
GIRLFRIEND: At two-fifteen in the morning?
BOYFRIEND: Yes. I’ve been up all night thinking about how special you are.
GIRLFRIEND: Okay, I’m going back to sleep.
BOYFRIEND: Wait! I need to ask you something.
BOYFRIEND: Um…is there something going on tomorrow? Like an event or…maybe a holiday of some kind?
GIRLFRIEND: Well, it’s Valentine’s Day tomorrow.
Okay, she remembers, think quick. Gotta get a present. Think!
Can I buy something? No, I’m broke. Spent all my money yesterday on that Steven Seagal DVD box set.
Maybe I can make her something! I think I have some paper mache. Or better yet, a poem! Girls love poems!
(Grabs pen and paper.)
“Darling, you are like a…”
Uh, what rhymes with “Darling”?
(Grabs another piece of paper.)
“Honey, you’ve put on weight.”
Wait, that’s rude.
(Grabs another sheet of paper…)
(…Can’t think of anything…)
(…Draws a picture of a kitty.)
Aw, forget the poem!
Maybe I can give her something I already have. Yeah, re-gift!
I could give her the Steven Seagal box set. Nah, that’s mine. Plus it has “Hard to Kill” in it, my favorite Seagal movie. God, I love the part where he says, “I’m gonna take you to the bank, Senator Trent…to the blood bank.” Then the music goes Duh-DUH-Duh-Duh! That was so aweso-…
FOCUS! Find something, wrap it up and give it to her in the morning!
(Looks under bed.)
Shoes…Box of old toys…Hey, my high school year book! And look, here’s my good pal Andy’s comment…
“Wassup dude! Senior year has been fun…even though you’re gay.”
That jerk! I forgot he wrote that.
ANDY: (groggy) Hello?
BOYFRIEND: You’re gay!
There. That’s settled. Man, I hate that guy.
Okay, maybe I can find something in my closet.
(Opens closet, rummages through the shelves, accidentally knocks a box on head and is knocked unconscious.)
FEBRUARY 14th – 10:15 a.m.
(Boyfriend stands on Girlfriend’s doorstep, mildly concussed, holding many gifts.)
GIRLFRIEND: A Ninja Turtle action figure, a bottle of water, a day planner from 2002 and an old VCR…what is all of this?
BOYFRIEND: Happy Valentines Day, honey!
(Boyfriend becomes single.)