My back ached – especially in the morning.

“Replace your old mattress,” advises friend Judith.

“And what about those dust mites everyone’s discussing at the gym?” she adds.

“You’re right” I exclaim, accidentally poking myself in the eye trying to get at a sudden itch. “And I’m sneezing all night long.”

It’s probably my cat Lola but I was on a roll.

“I’m buying a new mattress today,” I announce with the indignation of a fairytale princess whose sensibilities have been bruised by a pea.

“Research” warns Judith. ‘There are more choices now.”

Good advice but she’s no help.

Judith considers a good night’s rest essential- right after Godiva chocolate and Lorazapan-but she still sleeps in a twenty year old waterbed. Occasionally she discovers her husband Al snoozing between the bladder and the frame. He complains of a sore neck -she sleeps like a baby.

I believe she’s considered replacing him but not the bed.

Cousins Linda and Bob rave about their Tempur-Pedic Bed with the only mattress recognized by NASA and certified by the Space Foundation.

“Worth the price,” declares Bob. “Restorative rest improves the quality of life.”

“Hmm” warns Linda: “Exiting can be a challenge. It’s kind of a lift, roll and stick the landing move. Makes those mid-night bathroom runs a bit awkward.”

Who’d care!

I’m imagining the free astronaut who comes with the package.

Googling reveals that hundreds-make that thousands-of the classic ‘coil & spring’ mattresses are manufactured with as many labels and prices.

The only way to ensure ‘a good fit’ states ConsumerReports.org is ‘to test-drive’.

Oh goodie! Napping as a spectator sport at Mattress Warehouse.

“Maybe you should just check out that family furniture store downtown,” suggests my Uncle Wilbur. “And make sure you find somebody clean-with a tie.”

And that is where I found Marty.

Marty …of the pressed chinos, crisp button down shirt, spit-polished loafers and turquoise eyes.

“Help!” I beg. “There are too many choices.”

“Let’s get some personal information first.” he says.

“Could you sleep comfortably on a carpet over hardwood?’

“Not since the days in the dorm in‘94.” I answer.

He smiles.

It’s dazzling. I’m picking up whitening strips on the way home.

“Then I’d recommend a plus 6 comfort level. That would eliminate over half of the choices on the floor.”

I’m abit disappointed-I’d begun to think long-term shopping.

He moves to a refrigerator sized plastic case stuffed with foam and cotton and points out how each layer contributes to a good night’s sleep gesticulating the whole time like Vanna White.

Actually he might be prettier than Vanna- especially around the cheekbones.

“You know the coils are the backbone of the mattress. I think we can eliminate anything under a 390 count.”

Whatever! I’m having trouble focusing. It might be the way he pronounces backbone or how his turquoise eyes shimmer like the surface of the pool at Sandals, St. Lucia. I’m guessing they have spring specials.

“Let’s try out some units” he suggests.

“Is this when I don my jammies?” I blurt.

He laughs. It’s sparkly-like a tall, cool Caribbean Rum Cooler.

“You know it’s important to consider your sleeping partner’s needs.” he adds as we walk towards the displays.

“Well, I sleep solo right now,” I say. “Perhaps we should pro-rate the weight of any future partners?”

He guffaws.

I’m in love.

I roll around a lot, shift side-to-side, even sit on the side pretending to tighten my shoe laces before committing.

I overspend and purchase a top-of-the-line ecru fleur-de-lis set with plush pillow-top.

When I stretch out, head softly pillowed, I’m floating in cashmere.

My back is cured. And if it wasn’t I have a 30 day return clause.

I assiduously review the warranty.

If I respect my mattress, we will have a long and happy relationship.

I do not plan to bend, fold, stand or jump on it.

But here’s the kicker.

To provide even, uniform wear, I must rotate it end to end and over side to side every two weeks for three months, then monthly for a year, and then every 90 days for life.

Don’t ever do this alone it warns in larger print as it could cause injury.

Sadly, Marty of the pressed chinos, button down shirt and turquoise eyes is happily partnered.

I had no choice.

I registered for internet dating.

SWF seeking sleeping partner every 14th
night for 3 months and then once every 90
days. Must be able to lift 80 lbs.

I await my first hit.