This is an uncertain time. America has just elected a new president. Some people are worried about what the future will hold. Fear not, for I have just discovered that I have the ability to tell what exactly will happen 5-10 years from now. I must share this gift.
*Barack Obama will win a second term, only to have everyone get angry at him and scream for change. This will lead to a republican president, only to have the cycle repeat itself.
*Britney Spears will make yet another comeback, this time doing a duet album with Michael Jackson where she will dress sexy, but he will ignore her whenever her young son is around.
*McDonalds will bring back the McRib fourteen more times.
*Lindsay Lohan will turn straight, only to turn gay again once people start to not pay her any attention.
*Jessica Simpson will attempt rap, thus making her officially failing at every genre of music.
*The NFL will eventually quit playing real live football games, and will instead have a representative of each team play each other in a game of Madden.
*George Lucas will re-re-release yet another special edition of Star Wars, this one including the infamous lost footage of Jabba the Hutt making out with Jar Jar Binks.
*Atheists will lose when the announcer’s next command is “those who believe in something please step forward.”
*High School Musical 7 will be released, ushering forth three more years kids breaking into song in public schools all across the nation.
*Saw XIX will also be released, proving that you can run out of ways to kill people.
And now I shall reveal to you the horoscopes for the next 10 years.
ARIES: You will go through your life believing there is still some good in humanity, only to have that belief come crashing down upon you after all your friends give you Nickelback CD’s for Christmas.
TAURUS: You will go to the movies expecting to see the next Batman movie. Soon you realize that you went into the wrong theater and must sit through the sequel to Mama Mia.
GEMINI: You will full fill your destiny of disappointing your parents when you bring someone from another religion home with you.
CANCER: You will finally be able to give up drugs when you discover that sniffing Kool-Aid powder gives you much more of a high.
LEO: You will shoot Santa Claus late one Christmas Eve after you mistake him for a burglar. You then become the most hated person in the entire world. Your shins will never recover from all the kicking the kids of the world will give you.
VIRGO: You will win 100 dollars. This is significant because it will be the last time you have any money.
LIBRA: All those hours of doing nothing but playing video games will come in handy when you save the world when a combination of aliens, Nazis, and four floating different colored ghosts attack. You will also grab the bouncing banana, giving you 10,000 bonus points.
SCORPIO: Your journey as a vegetarian will end after you discover that animals taste really, really good.
SAGITTARIUS: You will become the most unimportant person in the world. I’d tell you why, but you really don‘t matter.
CAPRICORN: Your life will come to an abrupt end after you and some friends decide to check out the old abandoned house at the end of the road. You will become the first to die, surprising the whole group considering you aren’t African American nor the comedic relief.
AQUARIUS: You will become famous and well liked for the things you write. Your humor and wit and charisma will be known in all points of the earth. Then you will wake up from that dream and be welcomed back to your reality of Chef Boyardee and empty pizza boxes.
PISCES: You will find the cure to what makes Michael Jackson the way he is. Your life will then be set.
There you have it. All these things are in our future. I have foreseen it!