At some point during your work year there comes a time when the annual “evaluation of work performance” takes place. Which is basically, when management tells you how they are going to screw you over.

Here is a fictional excerpt from an “employee evaluation”:

Management: As you know the company has decided to give out raises between 0-4% this year. However, please be aware that NOBODY received a 4% raise.

Employee: Then why did you write that in the office memo?

Management: Because the CEO likes the number 4.

Employee: Well, you could have written the memo this way “B4 we use to give out raises that were higher than the pittance we are now offering to you.” See you could’ve used the number “4” like that.

Management: Funny, now can we PLEASE get on with your evaluation? We’ve decided to give you an increase of 1%!!!

Employee: ONE PERCENT!! Whoo-Hoo!! Hey, Hive-Fives around the table everyone- I just got ONE PERCENT!!! Wait, that was very insensitive of me. I mean maybe you didn’t get as much as me, and here I am gloating about my huge increase in pay!

Management: Grrrrrrrrrrrrr. Listen you, time is money and we don’t have time to waste.

Employee: Hmmmm, apparently you don’t have money to waste either.

Management: Can we PUH-LEEZE continue? Now, our records show that you have had many errors over the course of the year.

Employee: I had 2!

Management: That’s two, too many.

Employee: Well, if you look at the total amount of what I do- you’ll see that 2 is an infinitesimal amount. Kind of like the raise you just gave me.

Management: Our records also indicate that you used up a good deal of your PTO time.

Employee: Well I’m sorry, I really needed that kidney/liver/heart transplant. Besides, I came back to work 6 months earlier than the doctors wanted me to.

Management: That’s neither here nor there. The other thing we wanted to discuss with you is your attitude.

Employee: I have an attitude?

Management: Yes you do, and a very big one at that!

Employee: I can honestly tell you that from this day forward I will NOT have a big attitude.

Management: Really????

Employee: Yes, because with the raise you just gave me I can’t afford anything big, not EVEN an attitude!!

Management: Okay, that’s it!!! This concludes our “employee performance evaluation”

Employee to his/herself: Cost of a raise 1%. Pissing off management- PRICELESS”