The other day I saw one of our many prized and beloved university students pick his nose and eat it at a computer terminal in the atrium of the library. I kid you not. I’m not trying to be funny here. The uncivilized blockhead picked his freaking nose with his grimy index finger, poked said finger in mouth, nibbled on it, and sucked off the booger.

If you are a sick duck and want to do that kind of thing in the privacy of your own home, then go ahead. But, this was in public at a computer that is shared by hundreds of other students.

Who are you Mr. Nose Picker-Eater and where do you come from? This social maladroit was probably twenty years old. What is he doing at a liberal arts university? He belongs in a play pen with pacifier in mouth and diaper strapped around the midsection.

Picking your nose is one thing. In fact, a popular medical website claims that 91% of adults pick their noses, but mostly in private (yes, I did my homework on that one, however, I have no idea about the legitimacy of the source or the statistic, but it helps make my point). Thus, picking is common and normal even for adults, but to proceed to nibble, taste, and even swallow a golden nugget is beyond me. The act is inexcusable, and if you’re still doing that kind of thing at age 20, then not only is there no cure for your gold digging habit, but chances are you have a whole slew of other issues.

As most younglings are, I also was an avid nose picker in my youth (age: womb to eight or nine years old). I still remember the day my kid sister dared me to eat a booger I had recently plucked from my nostrils. I told her “no way,” planning to customarily flick the boogie out into space. However, she pressed on and pulled out the double-dog dare. Yes, she went there. I knew she had me because in my naïve, innocent mind, only wimps like the Care Bears turn down a double-dog dare. The rest is history as it tasted so gross I couldn’t even compare it to lima beans, which I abhorred. The experience was so traumatic that still I remember the distinct, bitter, acrid taste of the boogie. Never again.

Back to 2007 and adult nose picking. Here’s what I recommend if you have the itch to pick. If at all possible, be strong and practice the abstinence of nasal prodding when in public. Your nose can wait until the time is right. If your nostrils are too stuffy and you need to extract some dried and/or runny mucus, then please go to a nearby restroom. Carry disposable tissues with you when you’re vulnerable during cold, flu, or allergy season. Do not carry a handkerchief. It’s weird, outdated, and its supposed reusability factor is extremely questionable.

Oft times a dried stalactite boogie manages to peep down from the nostrils to say hello. This can be awkward and embarrassing when you don’t notice and don’t care for such a greeting. However, if you feel the stalactite tickling down from above, then you must heed the call immediately and dispose of the playful booger expeditiously. These desperate times call for desperate measures as there is no time to make it to the nearest restroom. Sneeze it out into an article of clothing. Use a thumb for digging and pawn it off as a mere nose scratcher. You know you’ve seen that technique before, executed both skillfully and horrendously. Be creative and do anything you can.

So, next time you sit down at a public computer and begin to type, just remember what gross specimen may have been there before you, typing away at the keyboard with his nasty, booger-ridden fingers. Mr. Nose Picker-Eater, you know who you are. On second thought, you probably don’t, and that’s just unfortunate. Shame on you regardless.