My husband has a passionate crush on a hybrid car he test-drove on his birthday. The engine and battery are bright and shiny (and thus inherently sexy), and the car scores a staggeringly high coolness quotient with him and his buddies. He has tried to tell me he likes the car for it’s environmentally-friendly design. He swears that electrical energy is the automobile fuel of the future. Of course, his arguments just don’t ring true. This is the grown-up equivalent of the toy cars he coveted as a child, and he will just DIE if he is denied his toy.
My husband’s love for his alternative-fuel-mobile did get me thinking. Why, in an era when oil supplies are dwindling and fuel prices are rising, is the auto industry ignoring the most obvious source of renewable energy – natural gas? Mind you, I am not talking about the natural gas that heats our homes, that will eventually run out. The fuel I am suggesting is that vast untapped resource that lives within each and every one of us — poot power.
Lest you be confused about what I mean by poot power, in less polite and decidedly more colorful circles, it is known as “the silent but deadly”, “cutting the cheese”, “lettin’ ‘er rip”, “cutting the mustard”, “tooting one’s horn” or, farting. Yes, I said it. FART! Sometimes, you have to be crude to be kind. Kind to the American economy, and our beloved Mother Earth. But I digress.
Before passing your nose up at this plan, think about it – it could work. Imagine the nation’s energy needs being met by simply harnessing the silent but deadlies that we all possess. Take cars for example. Picture the car’s seat cushions as natural gas reservoirs. Farts trapped in the cushions could be sucked into the gas tank directly – voila’ – cheap, plentiful gas. Eat a diet rich in beans and fiber, and your tank can be full 24/7. Just be careful not to light a match while driving, or you’ll instantly become the first motorist in space.
And think of how often you’ve “held it in”, in the interest of good manners and civility. Now you have the freedom to just let it rip, knowing you’re making an important contribution to the nation’s natural gas supply. With a few adjustments to a home or business’ central heating and cooling systems, fart harvesting could allow the most economical fuel production method ever. We’re sitting on a gold mine here, people, which could break our dependence on foreign fuel forever.
Now, how to get this effort started. You know how farmers get incentives for growing certain crops? I say, offer a financial incentive for eating beans and other fart-smart foods. A few well-placed chili dogs could have us steeped in the sweet smell of fuel-efficient success.
C’mon, my fellow Americans, we have a HUGE untapped source of naturally renewable energy that is just blowing in the wind. Well, I say we should all “Give a Hoot and Pass a Poot”. Break the strangle hold of environmentally unfriendly and politically charged foreign oil. Embrace the winds of change and PASS GAS FOR AMERICA! We can all do this if we try. Now, make my chili dog a double!