Election officials have unveiled a new proposal for ensuring fair U.S. voting protocols in 2008. The recommended program was developed by 14 year-old Kelly Ashley. Ashley was selected after winning a nationwide contest sponsored by Diebold Election Systems, Halliburton, FOX News, and reality television producer Simon Fuller.
To allow for real-world unknowns, the system will first be tested on a hotly-contested middle school math club election in Sarasota, Florida. It works like this:
In the first phase of national voting, prospective voters will be asked to urinate in a cup and have their sample processed and analyzed for verification purposes. Testing will take half an hour, unless you’re a professional baseball player, in which case it will take two hours to remove pharmaceutical obfuscations.
“While 30 minutes seems like a long time to verify identity,” said an anonymous Diebold official, “it takes a lot longer to get a driver’s license or learn American Idol results.” The official also noted that, unlike a social security card or driver’s license, one cannot misplace his or her pee.
After verification, voters will be asked if they intend to vote for someone other than John McCain, Rudolph Giuliani, John Edwards, Barack Obama, or Hillary Clinton. If the answer is yes, the voter is excused for the day and thanked for his or her service to democracy.
Upon entering the booth, the voter will view a short video hosted by Ryan Seacrest. Seacrest will introduce a musical montage of each candidate, followed by Simon Cowell, who will tell voters that their vote is worthless and that our American form of government is “rubbish.” Seacrest will then urge voters to send text messages for their candidate of choice.
Given more Americans successfully vote for American Idol candidates than for public officials, most agree this system seems perfect for America, though Idol judge Randy Jackson thinks it’s still a little “pitchy.”
As incentive beyond the simple one of furthering civilization, every voter will get a “I came. I peed. I voted.” T-shirt.
THIS JUST IN: Algebraically-challenged cheerleader Wendy Dunderhead has just won the Sarasota Middle School Math Club election over three-time junior math champion Eugene Barwaz, says school principal Charles Dunderhead (yes, relation). The system works!