Dear Daryl and Marilyn:
I would like to thank you for trusting me enough to house-sit for you while you were away. I would like to, but the attorneys advised me to say nothing until we’re certain no more lawsuits will be filed.
Outside of a couple minor annoyances — really, don’t you think your neighbors are a little high-strung? — things went very well.
I only forgot the house key once. That pane of glass shouldn’t cost much. It is a pity about those three straight days of rain, though. Marilyn, I compliment you on the absorbency of your bathroom towels, but don’t you think you should keep a few more on hand? One never knows when emergencies will arise.
Moving into your place cut 20 minutes off my drive to work, which I appreciated. Also, you had clean dishes in your cupboards, and I earned a reprieve from washing mine.
Speaking of which, that dishwasher of yours is pretty slick. I wish I had one. Those little jet spray nozzles really blasted the mud right out of the tread of my running shoes. The ol’ tennies haven’t been this clean since they were new.
I love the size of your dining room table. It was great for spreading out the engine parts I was cleaning. It’s so much warmer to work inside this time of year, don’t you think?
I wish I could have wiped up more of the grease, but you’ll understand that considering the shortage of bath towels, there wasn’t much I could do.
The party you hosted was off the charts! I probably should have told you about it. When the police arrived, I figured it would expedite matters if I gave your name instead of mine. It is your place, after all.
They tell me it’s very likely that charges can be expunged in five years. Seven at most.
If those Nervous Nellie neighbors of yours begin asking questions about a hot air balloon, a komodo dragon and a box of rubber bands, it would be best for your ulcers to change the subject. In retrospect, that experiment looked better on paper.
Oh, if the guy from across the way stops by, negotiate. Sure, they were pretty, but I really don’t think a bunch of bushes could cost as much as he claims, especially ones so fragile.
I suppose I do owe you some small explanation about the crater that gapes where your house used to stand. Sadly, I’m running out of space, but I did file a detailed report with your insurance company, which will get back to you after doing a little more research with the Ripley’s Believe or Not museum. Apparently this sort of thing doesn’t happen often. The good news is you’re up for some kind of award for the Year’s Most Extraordinary Claim.
In the meantime, I pitched my very own tent in your backyard. It’s the least I could do for you after all the kindness you’ve shown me.
I hope you’ll call me next time you need a house-sitter. Do try to have the heat and water reconnected first. And more bath towels would be nice, don’t you agree?