The job market reeks right now. If you don’t believe me, just look at this transcript, taken verbatim from an interview with a Leading Job Market Expert Type Person on my nightly local news:
Nightly Local News Anchor: “If you would, for our viewers, please describe the job market in its current state.”
Job Market Expert Type Person: “It reeks.”
So, as you can clearly see, I made that interview up. But that doesn’t change the fact that the job market is in bad shape.
When things get dire, like they are now, a savvy job-seeker will do two things:
1) Look up “dire” in the dictionary.
2) Brush up on his interviewing skills.
But before you can astound would-be employers with your charm, wit, and keen understanding of the loopholes in the company’s hiring policy regarding ex-felons, you have to first score an interview. To do so, you need to perfect your resume’, which is a French word meaning “crapload of outrageous lies.”
Allow me to demonstrate by first detailing a lowly job nobody in their right mind wants to do, and then rewriting the same exact job so it sounds like one everybody wishes they had:
Gas Station Attendant, Bob’s Pump n’ Go, Spittoon, Alabama
· Pumped gas into all them pretty cars that came by
· Scraped dead bugs and such offa the windshields
· Cried a lot
Batman, Freelance, Gotham City, Whatever State Gotham City Is In (Probably Not Delaware)
· Fought crime and injustice
· Cavorted with nubile, leather-clad women on rooftops and in nightclubs
· Did various things to conceal true identity, such as wearing a nametag on my batsuit that says, “Hello, I’m not Bruce Wayne.”
See how much better the second version sounds?
Honestly, who wouldn’t want to hire Batman? And this strategy works equally well with any superhero. Simply substitute Superman, Aquaman, Spiderman, or your own favorite superhero for instant credibility with management.
Okay, so you’ve got your foot in the door. The trick now is to get the rest of your body inside before the manager pushes you out or shoots you in the face with pepper-spray. Once you’ve gained access to his office and handcuffed yourself to a chair, he’ll have no choice but to interview you. This is where the real struggle begins.
Most interviews typically start with the manager asking you to tell him a little about yourself. I say “most” because this is not always the case; pertinent information should always be discussed as soon as possible. For instance, if you find yourself in an interview without wearing any pants, that’s the kind of issue you’re going to want to address right from the get-go.
Just for the sake of argument, however, let’s say he does ask you to say a few things about yourself. In addition to all your positive attributes, it’s a good idea to mention a few of your flaws, just to show him that you’re open to criticism. When mentioning personal negatives, it’s recommended that you list only those that are commonplace and easily correctible, rather than those that may turn him off or cause him to call the police. For example:
Good Flaw to Mention: “I sometimes wish I could learn to manage my time more effectively.”
Bad Flaw To Mention: “I’ve been stabbed in the spleen by a drug dealer to whom I owe money and really wish I could make the bleeding stop.”
If you simply handle each situation with common sense and intelligence, there’s no reason you can’t dupe highly educated men and women into hiring you for a position that you are in no way qualified for.
Or, failing that, at least you can score some free donuts and coffee before they kick you out and hang your picture in the post office.