Haircuts are so expensive these days. Last weekend they practically charged me two bucks just for walking through the front door. Then, to make matters worse, I didn’t leave a tip. So it looks like everyone got screwed.

Due to the price, the next time I get a haircut I’m going to wear a big Afro wig and have them cut that first, just so I feel like I’m getting my money’s worth. After they’re finished with the wig, I’ll take it off and say, “Surprise!”, and tell them they can cut my real hair now. Then, as they’re trimming, I’ll start giving instructions that are really difficult to follow like, “Don’t cut every 19th strand. Could you stop staring at my head? Every time a piece of hair hits the floor, I want you to yell, “There she blows!”

Once they’ve finished with the cutting, I’ll request they style the hair on both sides of my head into bull horns and shape the top into a seahorse. While they’re working on these sculptures I’ll make sure to continue giving instructions like, “Take care to make both horns the same size. Make sure the seahorse appears thoughtful, yet happy.” All I have to do is keep this up and my hair cut will be worth every penny, which is perfect because that’s what I plan on paying with.

When my appointment is finally finished, I’ll walk up to the cashier and place a bag full of pennies on the counter. She’ll probably look at me like, “You can’t be serious.” But I’ll look right back at her like, “I have a seahorse on top of my head.” It doesn’t get much more serious than that.

Seeing how expensive everything is becoming, the only thing we as consumers can do is make sure companies have to really work for our business. So the next time you’re out paying for a haircut or a massage, don’t just accept whatever they want to give. Instead, tell them you’d like an inverted rainbow mohawk, or feel little, baby panda feet on your back. Only then will we be getting the full value of our money.