NEW-RELATIONSHIP CONTRACT
(INFORMAL VERSION)

[Note: Use this precedent if you are a typical adult male]

DATE:[Insert]

PARTIES:

1) [Insert name of typical adult male]

2) [Insert name of woman]

DECLARATIONS:

[Note: Insert the male’s requests below. Standard ones are listed]

1. Our relationship is to be built on sharing and openness and disclosure of everything—but definitely NOT my Internet browsing history. You know, just in case I’m planning a surprise present for you and the disclosure ruins the surprise.

2. I love to be asked, “Hey, what ya thinking”—that is, unless I look as if I actually am thinking, which is pretty much 100% of the time. A safe bet is to assume that I’m thinking, Stop asking me what I’m thinking, dammit—I’m trying to think.

3. Just accept that the only thing that’s up with me is that you keep asking what’s up with me. I was fine before you asked, like, twenty times. There’s a strong possibility that “what’s up” may have something to do with interrupted thinking sessions.

4. If you ask me whether you look a little fatter around the midriff, try to give some sort of clue as to whether you want an honest answer or an ego-flattering answer. A good clue would be to shake some of your rapidly expanding midriff.

5. Provided we are within ninety miles of each other, let’s deem that to be “Doing Stuff Together.”

6. Look, just assume that I’m attracted to all of your “Low-Fat Friends” and never ask.

7. You’ve had a quarter of an inch lopped off your hair. That’s right: A QUARTER OF A DAMN INCH. Like, not even Superman would have noticed. Let it go already.

8. We are to treat each other as equals. Labelling an activity “Romantic” shouldn’t mean that I pay 100% of its cost.

9. Drinking beer is to be labelled Romantic. Ditto watching me drink beer. Don’t forget clause 8, and therefore, in the interests of equality, let me have your 50% contribution to my beer fund.

10. I’m sure that I read that the most efficient till girls also happen to be the best looking ones. So please, don’t criticise my efficient line choices.

11. Of course I love it when you unexpectedly turn up at my apartment. The only reason that I look annoyed is because, until you saved me, my lousy buddies were forcing me to drink beer and watch sport. At times like these definitely don’t ask what I’m thinking.

12. When you tell me “it’s that time of the month,” I promise that I’ll never do a slow head nod and mutter to myself, “Ah, so that explains everything.”

13. Until I start attracting attention from the neighbourhood dogs, my underwear is to be deemed clean.

14. Imagine if it turns out that God is a hypochondriac who hates touching “unsterilized stuff,” and one day he comes to my apartment and begs to use the toilet—the seat of which I haven’t sterilized. What I’m saying is this: please accept that I like to be “God friendly” and that such friendliness is a pretty compelling reason to leave the toilet seat up.

15. Never question why God doesn’t simply use his “God powers” to sterilize everything. He’s probably not thinking straight, because he’s busting for the loo.

16. In any season other than summer, I’ll assume that you feel cold. You don’t need to keep reminding me.

17. I’ll be frank: when you ask “What do you think of this new dress?” my criterion for deciding is very simple—provided it’s at least six inches above your knees, I’ll love it.

18. When you tell me how much you paid for your new shoes, be aware that I have a medical condition that forces me to make an uncontrollable noise. To the untrained ear the said noise may sound like someone saying, “But they look just like all your other damn pairs.”

19. “Making love” is such an overused euphemism. Let’s come up with a more honest description for what we’re about to do. How about “Making Up Naked Mental Images of Your Low-Fat Friends”?

20. Making up all those naked images is very tiring. That’s why, afterwards, a good way to feel really close to each other is to let me sleep. Don’t try to wake me. EVER.