I just learned that Barbie turned 50 this year. That settles it. I’m asking her out.

She’s perfect. For all you perennial single guys out there, she’s perfect. She’s petite and passive. She’s always a sharp dresser and she’s aged amazingly well. She’s sexually dysfunctional, and her vocal cords are controlled by a little string in her back. And she doesn’t wear her heart on her sleeve. (Sleeve not included.)

If that smacks of a shallow outlook, there’s a reason: it is a shallow outlook. Single guys have a misunderstood lifestyle. All Hollywood evidence to the contrary, a single guy does not, as a rule, amble around the mansion in expensive bathrobes, enchanted by the fine aromas wafting windward from his monogrammed snifter of French brandy, choosing an evening’s companion from an eager stable of almost clothed super-models camped out on the expansive front terrace. Single guys mostly do a lot of walking: they walk from the TV, to the couch, to the kitchen, to the bathroom, and back to the TV (to watch super-models.) And any aromas wafting about in a single guy’s place are not likely to be applauded by any pundits of popular culture, in France or anywhere else. Well, maybe in France.

Career anthropologists are at a loss to understand the non-mating habits of the single guy. (But then, career anthropologists are at a loss to figure out how to wear a tie without having it splay sideways from their shirt collar like a Frankenstein neck bolt.) For arcane reasons, the single guy’s point-to-point walking patterns define a very prescribed, narrow course, known in textbooks as the Critical Carpet Comfort Corridor. Single guys will rarely deviate from walking on the same familiar areas of the carpet, the same little path, back and forth, over and over and over. According to some studies, 97% of all carpet in a single guy’s house has never been burdened by a single footprint. The poor guy might as well just buy two squares of carpet and staple them to his feet. (Staples not included.)

So the whole dating scene for single guys can be pretty dismal. But there’s hope. There’s Barbie, looking good at 50. Word has it that Barbie has successfully completed her rehab, is no longer addicted to wax cigarettes, and her “dealing with feelings of elbow inadequacy” therapy is going well. So well, in fact, that in 2008, Dennis Kucinich had her pegged on his short list for running mates.

And if all of that weren’t enough to pique, the average single guy will definitely make up his mind after reading her personal ad in the ‘Singles Wanted’ section. (Single guy’s mind not included.)

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Single, non-existent female seeking single-dimensional male for imaginary relationship, preferably a fun-lovin’ guy with faux hair implants. Objective: matrimony, possibly; accessories, definitely.

I’m just a fun-loving, Material Girl — well, a Combustible Material Girl — who has seen the best, and is ready for the rest. If you’re an unindicted guy with an off-shore portfolio, and you have pupils that never dilate, we need to talk! Flat-line EEG? No problem! Please send picture of portfolio.

Turn-ons: short walks on the beach, accessorizing, nebulous erogenous zones, bulimia nervosa, ‘Little Women.’ (Accessories not included.)
Turn-offs: opposable thumbs, kitchen matches, N.O.W., guys with spaces between their toes, Midge.

Must be tolerant of 2″-high house pets. (Pets not included.)

Dennis Kucinich need not apply.
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I know, guys…as the ultimate fulfillment of your concept of the Ideal Couple, some of you will waver at the imagery: you, a more-or-less normal human, more-or-less properly dressed, more-or-less behaving at your neighbor’s pool-side barbecue, standing next to your one-foot-tall plastic wife. But think of the kids you’d have! Not only would they be cute as a button, but the same size as one. (Kids’ orthodontia and college education not included.)

And her current boyfriend? No worries. He’s…what? 15 inches tall?
You can take him…

Personally, I think Barbie would have made a great presidential running mate, and I’ll look forward to her participation in future televised candidate debates. (Dennis Kucinich not included.)