Yesterday was a lucky day for me because I had the good fortune to be seated next to you in the Chinese restaurant where I’d met a friend for lunch. It’s evident to me that you are quite popular because your cell phone rang repeatedly the entire time that we were there. I’m glad that you chose to set your ringer volume to the Obnoxiously Loud setting so that all of us could enjoy that rousing version of “Who Let the Dogs Out” over and over again. That song is such a classic, isn’t it? Of course, to not answer your phone would be rude, and you are clearly a woman of class, so you answered every call.
Thank goodness the restaurant’s host had the foresight to seat us near your table. If he hadn’t, I would have missed hearing all of those fascinating details about your recent colonoscopy. It would have been a shame to spend the entire meal simply eating lunch and visiting with my friend. Bo-ring!
Everyone knows that nothing helps egg drop soup go down easier than a lively discussion about bodily fluids and you did not disappoint. Hearing about how the nasty beverage you were forced to consume the night before caused you to have such gastric distress that you almost didn’t make it to the bathroom is an element of your story that I wouldn’t have wanted to pass up. I, for one, can never get enough of hearing about bathroom near-misses while I’m eating my lunch.
Because of the fortunate location of my table, I was able to hear you cautioning “Marcia” on the phone to only drink three quarters of the Nasty Beverage when she prepares for her colonoscopy. Apparently, you went to the bathroom so much the night before that parts of you were, how shall I say this…abraded. I was able to enjoy my sashimi so much more after hearing this enlightening tidbit.
If my meal wasn’t already pleasant enough due to the geographic placement of my table near yours, it was certainly enhanced by learning all of the particulars of your allergic reaction to the general anesthesia you were administered in the hospital. I’m sure that it’s my own personal character flaw, but hearing you describe how many times you vomited after coming out of the anesthesia caused me to promptly lose my appetite.
Thankfully, you relayed your entire colonoscopy experience loud enough while on your cell phone so that even patrons at the farthest corner of restaurant could benefit from your story. I would have felt selfish being the only one able to share in your conversation. Your graphic description of the polyps that were surgically removed from the walls of your intestine was so vivid that I no longer felt the need to take my uneaten Shrimp with Mushroom Sauce home. I know that you were only trying to be considerate. You wanted to save the waiter the trouble of having to bag it up for me, and you wanted to prevent me from being tempted to eat it tomorrow. That was so helpful. How did you know that I’ve been trying to lose weight?
The only thing that would have made your lunchtime dialogue even more pleasurable would have been if you’d thought to bring photos. I do hope that I will get to dine near you again sometime in the future. I can’t wait to hear all of the compelling minutiae about your most recent pelvic exam or your appendectomy. Perhaps we can share that interchange over some nice Mexican food.
See you then!