1) Drive in Reverse: Based on the reverse-motion theorems of Albert Einstein’s little- known brother Eddy, this will actually refill your gas tank as you back-up to your favorite destination (back to the future!). You also get to wave at tailgaters. Party on!
2) Don’t Drive at all: If you have any understanding or delirious bosses, imagine the overtime as you walk to work. If the distance is too great, ride the wild winds in a hot air balloon. Woo-woo!
3) Car Pool: That’s just crazy talk!
4) Hitch hike: This is such a great idea, my super hot sister tried it years ago, and must be having the time of her life. She hasn’t even bothered to call me, and before that fateful night hitching outside the federal prison, she called every single night, without fail. Gosh, I can’t wait to hear her report!
5) Skate board: On long commutes, you simply grab the back of a semi and go baby go .. . . be sure to tuck out of the wind, never let go until your exit, and change wheels often. Also dress for weather. If mud flaps are missin’, it’s sludge you’ll be kissin’!
6) Buy a Fuel Efficient Car: More crazy talk! Run away!
7) Ride a Horse, feed a garden. Adopt a dung beetle.
8) Car Jacking: Ha-ha! Just kidding! That’s not even funny! Still, if you had a fake gun and were polite.
9) Hey, what’s “nine” in German? No! It means no! Nothing here for you! Move along!
10) If there were ten tips, then it would be like yet another “Top Ten List”, and we’ve all seen enough of those. The last thing on earth we need is another “Top Ten List”. Haven’t we beaten that to death?!?
The following is a “Top Ten List” of fuel-efficient tips:
11) Ignore any lists of fuel-efficient tips, and drive like a maniac. Driving laws are kind of strong suggestions anyway, and every state is so different. Plus, once you’re incarcerated for life, driving isn’t even an option!
12) Wear bright clothing and drink lots of water.
13) Never take a wrong turn or get lost. This wastes lots of fuel and screams, “I don’t have the latest GPS equipment!” At least wear some L.L. Bean.
14) Never talk on a cell phone while driving. Studies have shown that people who talk on a cell phone while driving work the accelerator according to emotional states derived from phone conversations, which vary greatly depending on various subject matters discussed on the phone. Can you believe I totally made this up? Yet it has such a legitimate sound to it, unlike that cheesy ring tone I downloaded, which kept playing in the delivery room last night. Hey hon, take a chill pill! My friend says the Broncos just let Shanahan go! Someone quiet that screaming baby!
15) Drive only in the rain. Water means less friction, and less friction means better gas mileage. Driving only in the rain also means you’re nuts, and that saves gas mileage. The rubber no longer meets the road, it wallpapers your new room!
16) Sixteen is an interesting number, because if your vehicle gets sixteen miles per gallon, it’s made by one of the American big three, and considered an economy car. I can’t believe those are still in business. Unless they went under by the time you read this, which is entirely possible.
17) Use the underground sewer system. Be alert for alligators. Don’t smoke.
18) If your car or truck runs on diesel, use vegetable oil discarded by restaurants. Better yet, use vegetable oil discarded by vegetables (unless they are using acne medicine; whereas they are bright, robust, and have a healthy complexion).
19) To travel is to work or carry a message, and that’s what carrier pigeons are for. Peregrine Falcons are the downside. It’s exactly like the U.S. mail vs. FedEx.
20) Thank God it’s over. Speaking of God, what kind of car would he drive? Trick question, he was a walker. Now Buddha, I see him in a VW bus, with those little dancing bears on the bumper. Lot’s of drive-thru food, if you know what I mean. The dude was huge. Instant Karma is drive-thru food, coming around in less than an hour.