I am Spider-Man. Personalitywise, anyway.
I’ve never climbed any walls, but mom used to tell me I was driving her up one. I’m not sure if that counts, being the power behind wall-crawling power, but my newfound insight into myself explains a lot.
As the new year begins, I’ve been taking stock of myself. When I ran across a test titled ‘‘Which Superhero Are You?” I knew I found exactly what I had been seeking: a well-reasoned personality profile that would dig deeply into my psyche and expose my raw strengths and weaknesses.
The Internet quiz led me through a bunch of insightful questions such as ‘‘Do you like redheads?” and ‘‘Are you virtuous?” I tried to answer as truthfully and honestly as possible so as not to skew the calculations.
The scientific survey revealed that I was most like Spider-Man: ‘‘You are intelligent, witty, a bit geeky and have great power and responsibility.”
Wow, did they nail me!
The next quiz had me rank a bunch of color boxes from favorite to least favorite. Truthfully, I didn’t care for any of the yellowish, orangish, blackish-greenish, garish colors displayed, but since with great power comes great responsibility, I gamely finished the task. The colors say I am ‘‘Sensuous.” I’ve never been accused of that before.
My problem, according to the ugly colors, is ‘‘anxiety and restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced stress. He feels misunderstood, disoriented and unsettled.”
I suppose that explains why I drove past my street the other day. I thought I just wasn’t paying attention. It turns out I was ‘‘disoriented and unsettled.” And I didn’t understand that.
Personality settled, I decided to evaluate my IQ. Being intelligent and a bit geeky like Spidey — or possibly being filled with ‘‘restless dissatisfaction” — I swung right into action.
I found a quiz that took me through a series of multiple-choice questions that tested my guessing abilities. I mean, talents of reasoning.
Then I clicked for my score. A box popped up: ‘‘Enter your credit card number and for $9.95, we will send you your score.”
That proved I wasn’t very smart. I didn’t see that coming.
I looked for another IQ test, one that used the word ‘‘free.” At the end, a box popped up: ‘‘While we’re calculating your score, click from which of these sponsors you want more information.” A series of 30 ads popped up.
I clicked out of it. More came up. Click. More. Click. More and more.
I felt myself growing wiser by the second until finally, in a burst of supreme sagacity, I yanked the plug out of the wall. We superheroes are decisive like that.
Later, I discovered that both sites zapped me my scores anyway. The first ranked me at 115 — ‘‘superior intelligence,” according to IQ inventor Lewis Terman’s original scale. The second rated me at 153 — ‘‘genius or near genius.”
Wow, did they nail me! What a difference an hour can make in one’s intellect. I wonder how much higher the score would have been had I given up my credit card info.
But my anxiety is kicking in. Does this make me too smart to continue being Spider-Man? Or will I slip to the Flash? Or Robin?
It’s time to start looking up job aptitude tests to find out. I hope it doesn’t come up, “envelope stuffer” again. It’s embarrassing for a superhero to have papercuts.