I hadn’t even barely swallowed my last Christmas cookie or recovered from my New Year’s hangover and they appeared like Montezuma’s revenge. Thin, leering spokespeople from Waist Watchers, Seattle Glutton, LA Flab Loss and No Pain No Gain Systems emerged from out of now here like a pimple on senior picture day. They invaded my television, radio, and now they have infested my computer.
Who told them I wanted to lose weight and what are they insinuating? Maybe I like my double chin or have an emotional connection with my fat clothes from 1985and the muumuu I bought in Hawaii when I got married.
I’m already in shape…I can walk to the refrigerator without getting winded, hoist myself off the couch without a crane and only drive to the mail box on really cold days. I think I ate a salad just last week…that was healthy. I limit snacking to stressful times, like watching Grey’s Anatomy, Desperate Housewives or American Idol. Want to see how in shape I am? Wrestle me for the chips or Hershey Kisses if I have PMS, and it could cause you bodily harm.
Besides, I don’t want to look like the Olsen twins; I prefer to be like Oprah and yoyo diet my way through life. I’m horizontally challenged and proud of it.
Normally I can live with these annoying advertisements, but this year they crossed the line. The mother of all infractions…they attacked my email and didn’t have the common courtesy to get caught in my spam blocker. It’s bad enough that I survived the “You’ve got mail” era, but now I am expected not to be offended by “Are your clothes too tight?”
Yes, my bandwidth exceeds the current limits and the Internetpol is badgering me. Alright, I accidentally broke my ergonomic chair last week. It was time for a new one anyway. What are they…the scale police? I thought I threw that darn thing out with my Thigh Master.
In order to purge my system of this nasty intrusion, I have come up with a new solution. My New Years revolt-lution is to have “laptop suction.” I am going to link my naval up to my internet connection. I will then upload all of my excess body fat to the skinny person in cyber space who sent me the email. They want me to lose the weight in six weeks, great; I’ll send it to them in an email. How’s that for instant gratification?
In the mean time, here are my other revolt-lutions:
1.) I promise not use my treadmill to hang my daughter’s art work.
2.) I will remove the dumbbells from under my bed, so I stop stubbing my toes.
3.) I will toast obnoxious weight-loss ads with a milk shake.
4.) I will eat only chocolate based sweets, because chocolate is good for your heart.
5.) I will get up every morning and be more creative about my excuses not to exercise…my exercise clothes may be hazardous to your health. I might burst a seam and hurt you.
6.) I will cook healthy meals for my family as long as it includes potatoes or pasta.
7.) I will stop consumption of alcoholic beverages as soon as I finish this bottle of wine.
8.) I will encourage my family and friends to become healthy with me…as soon as they stop laughing. Okay…I tried this last year and the year before…
9.) I’ll stop trying to run over thin fit people and will offer them a Krispy Kreme donut as a peace offering.
10.) I will continue to add black to my wardrobe because it always makes Morticia Adams and Ozzy Osborne look thin.
That being said, I plan to make my goals this year. Granted, my alter ego is a thin person clawing to get out, but I can usually stifle her with an apple pie or an order of fries. If she becomes too annoying…she may become my test case for laptop suction.