Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
not a creature was stirring, except my poor, ol’ spouse.
My stockings were hung in the bathroom with care,
‘Cause he’ll turn on the water and not see them there.
The children were nestled in their own homesteads,
While visions of guest rooms danced in our heads.
And I in old PJ’s and he glad for hair in his cap.
Had just settled in for a long winter’s nap.
When from my side of the bed there arose such a clatter,
He sprang up and shouted, “Geez, what’s the matter?!’’
To the window I flew with my midnight hot flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
When, what to my failing eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer.
Oh just great, I whined. Talk about double whammy
Finally meet Santa and my face is all clammy.
More rapid than eagles, his coursers they came,
So I whistled and shouted and called them by name!
“Now Dasher and Dancer! Keep my shrubs away from Vixen!
“Hey Donner, I’m sweating! Who cares about Blitzen?
Get off of that porch! Don’t sue if you fall!
I’m feelin’ real cranky. Now dash away all!’’
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof,
The prancing and damage caused by each little hoof.
We both went downstairs and were stumbling around,
When down the chimney St Nicholas came with a bound.
He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot.
“That’s new carpet!’’ I said. “Don’t track in your soot!’’
A huge sack of toys he had flung on his back,
Thinks he’s still 25. Someone give him a smack.
His eyes, how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
They annoyed me like crazy. Please pass the sherry.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
So I begged: “Take me home. I’ll cool off in that snow.”
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
“My wife’s like you. Ho. Ho. Why punish myself?’’
He had a broad face and a round little belly,
“Try Jenny Craig,’’ I sniffed. “And that pipe is real smelly.’’
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And putting his thumb to the tip of his nose,
Gave a nasty sign and up the chimney he rose!
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But he exclaimed to my husband as he drove out of sight,
“Good luck to you, buddy. You’ll need it tonight!’’