The uber-coveted job interview that would buoy your means above the poverty line proceeded swimmingly until you flashed that “blue chip” grin with more color varietals than a Pollock canvas or the checkout line at Aldi.

Decades of bottomless espressos, R.J. Reynolds patronage, and dollar menu indulgence have left your teeth a shade on the Pantone Scale somewhere between a Kraft single and a dollop of Nutella.

But before you re-up your subscription on Joblessnayhomeless.com and nix plans for an Alan Thicke endorsed vacation, take note of affordable new developments in cosmetic dentistry like the easy-to-use at-home teeth whitening system Pearlystrips® available from your dentist.

Pearlystrips® are gelatinous whitening strips applied directly over your teeth for the duration of one to two hours, roughly the amount of time you carve out each evening fielding telephone calls from incensed collectors.

Pearlystrips® should not be used for more than thirty days unless your nickname in college was “The Marlborough Man” or you have a stained string of pearls that leaves your coworkers craving a cheddar melt.

The only reported side effect of Pearlystrips® is an excessively white smile akin to the ivory gates of heaven detrimental to your health chiefly if you live over flight patterns or are employed by the FAA.

Ask your dentist if you qualify for a free sample kit of Pearlystrips® and look for a coupon inside specially marked packs of Virginia Super Slims.