I was lying in bed last night, well this morning, 3am. The newsbreak came on as it does every hour and one of the stories was about a local woman being sentenced in a case where she drove her car THROUGH THE ROOF OF SOMEBODY’S HOUSE and killed a guy.

This caught my attention as I’m sure it would anybody’s. So when I went to work today I jumped onto the information super highway and looked the story up on the local news website. I imagined the guy lived in one of those houses by the highway, you know, under an overpass, and she drove over the side. Oops, stuff happens when you live near a highway.

Nope. The news story said he lived in a normal house, not a highway house, and the woman was going so fast that when her car hit the curb, it was launched into the air toward the house, high enough to go through the roof and killed a young Milton man, who was said to be home alone, lying in his bed, watching a ball game.

Maybe it’s just me, but I swear my first thought when I discovered this was, how did they know he was watching a ball game? I asked my wife and she gave the common-sense answer, “The ball game was probably still on when the police got there.”

Sure I can buy that. But that doesn’t mean that he was watching it. Already the seemingly impossible has happened. A CAR has crashed through the ROOF OF A HOUSE. What if in this freakish accident the car, or the guy being struck by the car, happened to hit the remote?

He could have been watching Home and Garden or MTV and the channel changed cause he died with his hand on the remote. We don’t know what happened, why do they have to guess at what he was doing in bed without knowing for sure?

Then I got to thinking, what if that was me in that bed? With my luck I would be lying there, actually watching a ball game, and BAM! Through the roof comes a huge car crushing me to death and hitting the remote control. In the ruckus the pay-per-view button and maybe some others get hit. When the police arrive on the scene…gay porn on the TV!

The headline reads “Local Military Member, Husband, Father of Two Dies Watching Gay Porn.” I’m forever remembered as the gay porn guy who got hit by a car in bed. People laugh, my kids get picked on, nobody I loved can ever think of me again without picturing me on that fateful night, gay porn and all.

So I have a new rule. When I watch TV in bed, from now on the remote will be nowhere near me, just in case the unthinkable should happen.