Don’t you get tired of the same old boring Winter Olympic events? Skiing, sliding, skating, skiing, sliding, skating. It is time to modify some of the current Olympic events or introduce some new ones.
Is there really a dumber “sport” than the two-man luge? One man in a rubber suit lays on a tiny sleigh and his buddy lays on top of him like a large beached seal. While these two blobs are thus attached, they point their twenty toes downhill and hang on for dear life as they blindly shoot to the bottom. Perhaps if they were nude, it would be a more interesting spectator sport and would provide some real motivation to get to the bottom, fast.
Ski jumping is another repetitive drag — swoooosh, leap and land. The ski jump itself should be covered with moguls so the jumper at least has to dipsy doodle as he descends the slope. Then the landing area should be designed by a golf pro with hedges, water hazards and sand traps to make the landing more interesting. Add some challenges, and have a lot of ambulances on standby.
In the Olympic hockey competition there should be three or four sections, with Canada placed in a section that has no other members. Because they are the best hockey nation in the world, they shouldn’t be subjected to the possible humiliation of losing to hockey giants like Belarus or Latvia. They should be allowed to play in the gold medal game against whomever emerges from the round robin format. Their opposition would be allowed to use a goalie for the one period of their choice. As a Canadian citizen, I think that would be a great innovation.
Why is the speed skating competition held on an oval shaped ice rink? If you really want to see who can skate the fastest, they should just clean off a straight two mile stretch on a local lake and let them skate. This way there is no slipping on the turns or having to wear those silly latex Spiderman body suits. Racers could keep warm by rubbing themselves with animal fat and then getting a 10-second head start before a pack of timberwolves is released behind them. Now, you are going to see some real speed skating!
We have certainly not been very creative in the structure of the biathlon. Ski like crazy and then shoot at five fixed targets . If you really want to make it a spectator favorite, have the biathletes ski past the 90-metre ski jump. Use the ski jumpers as targets (with paint balls, of course) and if the jumper is hit, he then qualifies instantly for the Freestyle Aerial competition. It would be as popular as professional wrestling, the true king of spectator sports.
And lastly, is there anything as exciting as watching curling? Sliding 40-lb. rocks towards a bulls-eye painted on the ice. Be still my racing pulse! Why not use a regulation hockey rink and have the two teams use the curling stone as a puck and their brooms as sticks and introduce a new hockey style game? Perhaps two teams could play lengthwise and two other teams could simultaneously play widthwise on the same hockey rink. Just visualize the mayhem.
With these slight modifications, the Olympics would really be fun to watch!