SPIT BATH! On the way to Aunt Betty’s two things always happened: All the kids got a spit bath from mom, and dad read the riot act. Don’t touch anything, don’t run, don’t ask for anything, don’t cause trouble, don’t move and don’t speak unless you’re spoken to.

Nobody goes visiting much anymore. I guess we all grew up and remembered how we acted when our parents took us. My sister and I tore down curtains, broke the heads off Barbie’s, one of my brother’s flicked a booger into my sister’s eye and my oldest brother kept yelling, “You clowns knock it off!” Ah yes, I remember it well.

I’m sure we can all relate when it comes to visiting. Have any of the following ever happened to you?

1. Have you ever walked into a house and thought, “Can we go home now?”

2. Have you ever left thinking, “I will never complain about my kids again.”?

3. After leaving, have you ever told your wife, “Let’s change our phone number”?

4. As you drive away, your wife says, “I forgot my purse.” and you say, “I’ll buy you a new one.” as you lay rubber speeding out of the neighborhood.

5. Have you ever asked yourself, “Is this the right house or have I died and gone to my cousin Earls?”

6. Pulled up and saw an outhouse out back.

7. Noticed the guy who just came out of the outhouse is the one doing the grilling.

8. Sitting in the living room staring out the window you notice one of the children comes walking up to the house carrying half a cat by the tail and immediately someone yells, “Dinners on!”

Although we don’t go visiting as much any more we do need to be ready. I’d like to give you a little advice on visiting.

When you go you need to check some things out when you walk in the door. No matter the reason for visiting I always check out the bathroom. I don’t care how it’s decorated, I’m talking location location location. I always want to know where that place is just in case of emergencies.

Usually we are left to use the guest bathroom. There can be problems with guest bathrooms you know. For example, it’s usually the kids bathroom so it is messy. There may not be toilet paper, hand towels or soap. That can be quite a quandary. How do you clean your hands and what do you dry them on? You know you’re in trouble when somebody comes out of the bathroom with water handprints on their shirt. If they do have towels, which ones do you use? The towels they may have used to try off from their shower or the towels with the fancy prints that don’t look like they have ever been used? When I get in that predicament, I usually use the window curtains.

If I am visiting for dinner, after finding the bathroom I head to the kitchen to check out the meal and dessert. I want to know what we are having so I know what and how much to drink. I was visiting some friends when the wife asked if I wanted cake. Cake? Who doesn’t like cake? Of course I want cake. I asked for a small glass of milk. As I waited salivating at the thought of a yummy piece of cake I sipped on the milk. In she walked and boy oh boy it looked good. She got closer and it looked like a BIG piece of…German Chocolate…nooooooooooooo! I hate coconut. Talk about choking down your food. And that ,my friends, is the reason you always check out the kitchen and what is going to pass over your taste buds.

The last thing to check is, how dirty is the house? Have you ever visited a house that was so dirty you hated to sit down let alone eat there? I have been in homes with several pets and knew it. The smell smacks you in the face. The worst thing about a dirty home is the eating utensils usually have leftover egg on them. Sometimes when no one is looking you have to chip off a piece of dried leftover from your plate. Uh, I’ll have a hot dog please, that’s okay I brought my own and I’ll eat it on the way, Let’s get out of here Martha! THANKS FOR VISITING!