I have Jew Tummy. That’s right, Jew Tummy. It’s caused from thousands of years of Jews falling in love and having children. I am one of those children.
I booked a colonoscopy because along with bloating and cramping, symptoms of Jew Tummy include crippling paranoia and rampant hypochondria, both completely insufferable. Not necessarily for you but for pretty much everyone else around you.
When I got to the hospital I had to change into one of those blue hospital gowns. It had an open bum flap and one untrustworthy looking string.
The waiting room looked like a scene from a precious indie film that a NYC film grad would make with daddy’s money. The scene went like this, old man in blue gown, old man in blue gown, me, old man in blue gown.
As I waited in the hospital gurney in the second round of waiting rooms I noticed a man not much older than me in the gurney beside me. A nurse walked up to him. “MR. KRISTOFFERSON!” she yelled. “MR. KRISTOFFERSON ARE YOU PASSING GAS?? “ITS VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU PASS GAS MR. KRISTOFFERSON!” Mr. Kristofferson looked over to me as if to say “I have no idea whom this alleged Mr. Kristofferson is.” “MR. KRISTOFFERSON The nurse yelled again. “MR. KRISTOFFERSON I’M TALKING TO YOU!!!”
After what seemed like an incredibly awkward silence between the nurse, Mr. Kristofferson, and I, my gurney was wheeled into the procedure room. To my surprise two rather attractive doctors greeted me. “Good thing I look amazing in blue” I thought to myself.
Attractive Doctor #1: “Good morning Miss Wasserman”
Me: “Good morning”
Attractive Doctor #2: “Miss Wasserman before I give you the anesthetic we’re going to ask you some questions and I want you to be honest.”
Me: I nod.
Attractive Doctor #1: “Are you a big drinker Miss Wasserman?”
Me: “I wouldn’t consider myself big.”
The rest of the questions were more or less standard.
Attractive Doctor #1 “Do you exercise?”
Me: “I do. Thanks for noticing.”
Attractive Doctor #2 “What about your diet?”
Me: “What are you implying…”
Attractive Doctor #1 “Do you find yourself suffering from stress?”
Attractive Doctor #2: “What do you believe is the cause?”
Attractive Doctor #1 Last question Miss Wasserman do you do drugs?
Attractive Doctor #1 “Street drugs Miss Wasserman?”
Suddenly neither of them was attractive.
Disclaimer. I do not do drugs. I’ll rephrase. I rarely ever do drugs and never that I randomly found on the street. But it just so happened that a friend was in town and for maybe the 2nd time in my entire adult life I took part in what some people in some cultures, including ours may refer to as “drugs”.
Less Attractive Doctor #2 “ Miss Wasserman? I sense some hesitation.”
Me: “ No I do not do drugs.”
Less Attractive Doctor #1“Never? Miss Wasserman?”
Me: “Yes. Almost never.”
Less Attractive Doctor #2 “I see.”
Less Attractive Doctor #1 “When is the last time you did drugs Miss Wasserman?”
Less Attractive Doctor #2 “ “Miss Wasserman?”
Me: “Hmmm… Actually, funny story.”
Me: “ Okay it was last weekend. But that was an extremely rare circumstance.”
Less Attractive Doctor #1 “Last Weekend Miss Wasserman? You are aware that is Monday.”
Me: Yes. I’m aware that is is Monday.
Me: “Jesus I’m not high right now! It’s Monday and tomorrow is Thursday!”
Me: “I’m kidding. Please don’t arrest me doctor. Tomorrow is Tuesday. That’s my final answer.”
Less Attractive Doctor #2: “We don’t really appreciate the joke Miss Wasserman.”
Me: “Totally agree, that joke was so dated. I apologize.”
Luckily both doctors starting smiling and suddenly became attractive again. That was the last thing I remembered.
“I’M AWAKE!!!” I screamed after what felt like seconds later. “I NEED MORE!!!! Im AWAKE !” “No” Miss Wasserman said a voice that vaguely reminded me of attractive doctor #2. You don’t need more because the procedure is over and you’re waking up. “Oh I said…(pause) can I have more anyways?” “No Miss Wasserman.” They said in unison.
I was feeling a little groggy as a nurse rolled my gurney back to the waiting room beside Mr. Kristofferson. Another nurse who looked vaguely familiar approached me. I look over at Mr. Kristofferson with horror. He smiled. “ARE YOU PASSING GAS MISS WASSERMAN? The nurse yelled. IT’S VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU PASS GAS!
MISS WASSERMAN I’M TALKING TO YOU!”