My friend went in to have some large intestine removed the other day and he asked me for some advice. All I could think of was things I would not want to hear while I was lying on the operating table. I told him, If you hear any of these, GET OUT!

101 Things You Don’t Want to Hear
While Lying on the Operating Table

1. I thought I saw a puddy tat.
2. Look, the doctor fainted again.
3. Doctor, you are not Groucho Marx.
4. He’s gotta boo boo.
5. Doctor, Al Gore wants you to try a new procedure he invented.
6. Who tore this page out?
7. Rewind that.
8. Doctor, your broker called, the market just crashed.
9. It’s time for your medication doctor.
10. Are you over the West Nile Virus doctor?
11. Nurse Cratchett?
12. That Ebola Virus is a killer.
13. Ooh, that’s not good.
14. I do not have alzeimers nurse, I do not have alzeimers nurse I… .
15. Yechy.
16. Oh no, it’s John Stossell.
17. Bingo!
18. Step two, spread legs apart.
19. Is that a hairball?
20. Uno!
21. It’s Miller time.
22. Nurse were you at Charlie’s party last night, it was awesome.
23. Rats! I just spilled the nitric acid.
24. People tell me I like Pee Wee Herman all the time.
25. It was only a gram.
26. Hannibal and I are not identical twins.
27. The leg bone is connected to the…what’s the next line?
28. Doctor, is that tatoo a Swastika?
29. Doctor, were you and Charlie Manson really room mates?
30. Dr. Jeckell?
31. Anyone have an Imodium?
32. Why did the chicken cross the road?
33. Clarisse?
34. Is the clock striking twelve already?
35. Gangrene?
36. Hey look, a sideways smile.
37. You put your right arm in you put your right arm out… .
38. If you thought that was funny, watch this.
39. Dr. Frankenstein I presume?
40. Do you feel the force Luke?
41. Doctor doctor give me the news I gotta bad case… .
42. Doctor, wake up doctor.
43. Darn, I broke a nail.
44. Anyone see where that junior mint fell?
45. Parkinsons doctor?
46. Oops!
47. I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
48. When I met Florence Nightingale… .
49. Did I finish that martini already?
50. Let’s see what this does.
51. I could have sworn you said vasectomy.
52. Look what happens when I pour alcohol on the incision.
53. Oh, I though you said right leg.
54. Yes, I’m Dr. Kevorkian.
55. Dr. your clown nose fell off.
56. Red and what makes green?
57. Hurry, the game is on in five minutes.
58. Ha! Ha! Ha!
59. Do you really think she’ll notice?
60. Hurry and close, he’ll never know the difference.
61. Where’s my Cliff Notes?
62. Well, he didn’t need that anyway.
63. Hey! He has another one.
64. Did I pay my malpractice insurance this month?
65. Knit one pearl two, knit one pearl two.
66. Someone call for Dr. Oz…zie?
67. The sun will come out tomorrow… .
68. Hey Moe, hand me that saw nyuk nyuk nyuk,
69. Unto thee Satan…
70. I wish my eyes were as good as Ray Charles’s.
71. Happy 98th doctor.
72. Doctor, you finally passed your GED.
73. When is Mr. Johnson’s due date?
74. Call the morgue.
75. Cheers!
76. Oxygen? I better put out my cigar.
77. I don’t know, how many surgeons does it take?
78. Of course I wash my hands after I pick my nose.
79. Bless you.
80. If you poke his brain here, he’ll fart.
81. Is there a doctor in the house?
82. You have a little something on your chin Dr. Lector.
83. Where are my crayons, nurse?
84. We are on strike in three minutes doctor.
85. Great, another malpractice suit.
86. This little piggy…
87. Oh oh?
88. Sup?
89. Take this job and shove it!.
90. I can’t see the picture, nurse.
91. Want to see her squirm?
92. Want to play a joke?
93. These peanut shells get all over everything
94. Look nurse, spaghetti.
95. Finders keepers.
96. This isn’t a hot dog.
97. Hiccup hiccup.
98. Four days is a long time without sleep Doctor.
99. Flip a coin.
100. That’s his butt Doctor.
101. Not until I finish my entry in the Humor Press.

Hope this helps Mike. Mike? Mike?