First there was Michael Phelps, then there was Shawn Johnson, but the big scuttlebutt seems to be surrounding a local Minneapolis mother of two, who recently received a gold medal in the latest post Olympic event.
Given that the Olympics coincide with the time that parents are sending their children off to college, it seemed only fitting that the Olympic committee add this post event to what had been a spectacular competition.
Michele Phelps’s mom’s tears were captured by national television, but her moment in the spotlight was short lived when “Minnie Mom,” (as she is affectionately referred to) captured the headlines as she skyrocketed in the “empty nester polls.”
She drove her daughter to college, tears streaming down her cheeks. The state police pulled her over after water was seen gushing out of the driver’s door. She was ticketed for driving with an obstructed view from the soggy tissues piled in her rear window.
Eye Witness news was first to report Minnie Mom’s unfortunate encounter as she was headed back to the privacy of her own home.
The event began drawing curious onlookers and Olympic judges who had recently returned from Beijing. CNN and Fox News were soon parked on her front lawn, anxiously awaiting the latest tissue count.
“Wow, her speed of dabbing and wiping is utterly amazing,” reported a Fox news reporter. “There hasn’t even been any sleeve action.”
With in days, she was reported to have set the world record for “most tissues used in a single day.” The Olympic judges voted unanimously to award her the Gold medal and declared “Endurance Crying” the hottest event to watch in the 2012 games.
Plagued by Proctor & Gamble phone calls, she signed an extremely lucrative deal to be their new spokesperson.
Seeing her youngest off to college was extremely traumatizing for this veteran mom. She and her daughter had a history of singing off key to their favorite songs when they played on the radio.
Minnie Mom was convinced that there was a cosmic conspiracy by radio personalities, when the same songs played every time she stepped foot in her car, resulting in a sobbing frenzy. She was spotted by local paparazzi on a recent trip to the grocery store, when she had her face buried in the air conditioning vent, attempting to dry her eyes.
Petco and PetSmart sent free dog treats to Minnie Mom, after it was reported that she was using her daughter’s dog as a large tissue. Both are in mourning and have finally agreed to see separate therapists.
Minnie Mom’s husband was supportive during this traumatic ordeal, but he drew the line when he came home from work one night and discovered their daughter’s room was now a shrine. Everything was incased in plastic, her favorite junk food was placed on her candle lit desk as Mom hummed Kumbaya.
“This has to stop,” he shouted out of desperation.
“You don’t understand, you’re not a Mom,” she said stringing her daughter’s baby teeth.
But wait. Her husband had a point. She could go see her when ever she wanted.
Mom’s shrilling rendition of Kumbaya screeched to a halt.
Only twenty minutes away…think of the possibilities. She could meet her for lunch, restock her dorm room and unload some of those darn crates of tissues that Proctor & Gamble had sent her. Wait… she could supply the entire campus. Cold and flu season was looming on the horizon and she would have a captive audience.
The sniffling stopped, the pool of tears at her feet began to dry, and the dog stopped howling, relieved the torture was over.
She had a new purpose in life.
Minnie Mom has set up shop outside her daughter’s dorm room, as she offers free tissues to passing college students. She proudly displays her newly earned gold medal. No tear goes unwiped and no nose is allowed to run.
The Dean is considering filing a restraining order.