Here, at our highly respected institute of higher education (with the emphasis on high), you too can become a Hitman, or Hitwoman, just by sending in your application to the Household Institute of Technology.

Some of our courses:

1.When you wear a stop smoking patch, is it better on your right arm or your left?
(3 credits) Wed. 5-6 pm.
2. How many questions can a wife ask in one day?
(3 credits) Tues. 6:30 pm. Cocktails at 7.

We are a hopefully credited rehab facility for the formerly single. We thrive on original research. Here’s part of a lecture given by Professor Bob Wuss, recorded in a squad car en route to the police station:

Yes, thank you, I will have the scotch. No, really, we’ve been studying this question of a wife asking questions, and I must say, it’s no easy subject to tackle, but tackle it we did—I got my wife by the ankle, she dragged me into the kitchen, hit me on the head with a phone—(she was talking to one of her sisters at the time)—but, where was I–oh, yes, what has happened recently, is we have had to study the important related subject, second hand questions. By this method, wives can actually exceed their daily, allotted regimen of 1500 to 1700 questions by getting their children to ask questions too. Here, I’ll give you an example, from an actual case study. Put it in the VCR.

“What?”
“Dad, when can we come back in the house?”
“From where? What do you mean?”
“From the exterminator—when is he going to be finished bombing the house?”

There are whispered comments heard in the background of the tape.

Our case study has just learned an exterminator is coming to bomb the house. A new added element—the possibility of strangers asking questions, is added to the mix.

“How do I know? I didn’t even know he was coming. When did this happen?”
”Mom told us to tell you you’ll have to leave when the guy comes to bomb the house, and to find out when we can come back. Do you have ten dollars?”

Prof. Wuss hits the pause button to comment:

By this clever method, wives arrange to have their husbands verbally communicate with their children, without even being there themselves. It is helpful for wives to have jobs outside the home where they make twice as much as the husband, which is usually accomplished if the wife is reasonably attractive. Now, back to the show.

“How much will this cost?”
”Mom said you have to give him a check before he starts, and to not forget to ask him about the bat. Do you have ten dollars?”

Wuss hits pause button again.

Now, the wife has caused our subject to engage in conversation with the exterminator. The husband will be asked questions about the bat, like, did he fly out of the chimney? What did he look like? Did you kill it? Stuff like that.

Hey, Officer H. Nelson says. Stop hitting the pause button.
Okay, Wuss says.

Back on tape, the subject asks;
“Is he coming about the bat, or the bees in the attic?”
“What, you only have five dollars?” his daughter says.
“Sorry, sweety-pie. What do you need the money for?”

The tape ends, in its graceless way.
It’s too late for the subject to actually get his own questions answered once he has parted with the cold cash.

Oh, yes, I will have another scotch. What street light?