They all say it’s easy, and in the beginning it is, trust me, it is. But what they don’t tell you is at times things can get rough, things change, and people can grow apart. And all that happened — but, unfortunately, mine grew a beard as well.
I was just like any other average 450 lb. teenager. I loved to eat, sleep and lift heavy things. But there was one thing that was different about me — my job. While all the “cool” kids were out selling ice cream cones, delivering newspapers and making pizzas, I was having fun entertaining drunk hillbillies all around the Deep South. Are you jealous yet? If you asked my best friend (Clown #4) what I love the most he will probably tell you in his high-pitched, giggly voice, “Meatloaf, scaring villagers, and his job.” HONK HONK. That’s right, my job. There is nothing I could love more… except, maybe, her.
She was the newest attraction to the circus and I could see why. With a beard like that, no sideshow freak could resist. I had to introduce myself to her.
“Hey, I seen the way your beard frightened away those annoying group of 3rd graders tonight, it was really sexy.”
“Oh you’re so sweet,” she said. “My name’s Lucy, what’s yours?”
“Well, I’m Thomas, the Strongest Man,” I said in a deep, manly voice.
“Well, how about me and you doing something tonight?”
Oh my god, a girl with a beard just asked me out on a date! Dreams do really come true.
“OK! Pick you up at 8!”
Wow, I am the strongest guy probably in the whole world and I’m nervous over a date. Well I am 19 years old and this is my first date, so I have every reason to be. I wonder how old she is. With a thick beard like that she has to be at least 21.
Later that night I picked up Lucy in the cotton candy wagon I borrowed from the vendor, Sticky Hand Steve. Good old Steve, he was addicted to sugar and affection. He would do anything for a Snicker’s bar and a hug.
First I took her to my favorite place to eat the Pork and Sort. Some people like to call it a “ham factory” and that I’m just poor and like to eat out of the “garbage,” but what do they know. It was magical, as me and Lucy were chewing on the hooves of a decapitated pig, I knew she was the one. She hopped in the wagon and I knew just where I’d run to next, make-out peak.
Thing’s got a little hot and heavy if you know what I mean, it was like a 100 degrees outside and I was getting tired of dragging her around in that wagon. I proposed to Lucy that night and to my amazement she said yes. I thought from here on out it can only get better. Oh, to be young and naïve.
We got the standard-issue ranch in the middle class suburban neighborhood full of ignorant snobs. And the miniature dog with its annoying yelps that you just want to stomp into the ground. And let’s not forget the lovely 2.5 children, which 1 of them you don’t even think is yours because he looks like your best friend (clown number 4). No baby of mine would be born with a red nose! I’m not bitter about things; things could just be a whole lot better.
I can not even enjoy my everyday breakfast of 4 dozen eggs without her nagging me about something.
“YOU NEVER NOTICE ME ANYMORE!” she yelled.
“What are you talking about?” I said with a sigh.
“I’m wearing a new dress, I got my nails done, and you do not even care.”
“Maybe if you shaved that darn goatee I would look at you twice,” I said softly.
“Nothing, I love you and I’m off to work.”
And with a kiss on the hairless part of her cheek that it took me forever to find, I was gone.
Maybe I won’t drive home today I’ll go back to the circus and leave this life of monotony behind. Maybe I will finally fulfill my dreams and become the STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD. Maybe I will finally be free!
Maybe I should call the wife and tell her what I’m doing; I wouldn’t want her to worry.