The day of the wedding finally came. It seemed like a lifetime had gone into this moment; actually my entire life had gone into this day. I was beautiful, Sally, my maid of honor, was enchanting and the whole church was filled with well-wishers.
There was a knock at the door. I opened it, expecting to see my Father.
“Miss Jones, My name is Officer Kent, I’m looking for Johnathon Seville. Do you know where he is?”
“John? That’s my groom. He should be in the rectory getting dressed.”
“I just need to talk with him.” The officer took off.
“Aren’t you even a little bit interested in knowing why that cop was here?” asked Sally.
“Do you like this shade of pink on my lips?” First things first.
The music sounded. Now was the moment I had been awaiting for! I clutched onto my Dad and slowly slinked down the aisle after six bridesmaids and Sally. I looked lovely.
“Stop!” Officer Kent was running past me; down the aisle to the altar.
“Johnathon Seville, you have the right to remain silent.”
“John!” I screamed, “Honey, can’t this wait until after the ceremony?”
John bolted to the side door. He knocked over one of the groomsmen he met that day. The Priest tackled him and brought him to his knees. The cop ran up to the altar and started to handcuff my groom!
“Stop it! You are ruining my big day! I’m sure John is sorry, aren’t you honey?”
“Yes, I’m sorry,” a muffled John said as his hands were bent behind his back.
“You’re not taking John until he says ‘I do’.”
“I’m sorry honey, really I am.” He reached out to me and grabbed my leg.
“John! Stop getting your fingerprints on my satin pumps!”
“Look, you are under arrest for leaving the county jail before your time was up!”
“He’s an escaped convict?” screamed Sally in a high-pitched, but oddly interested tone.
John got to his knees, flailing his arms around and kicking until he got loose. He knocked over one of the floral displays. The really big one!
“John, get back here and say ‘I do’!” I screamed.
One of the three flower girls was knocked down as the groomsmen ran after him. John grabbed Sally, and held her up against him. Again, she didn’t look all that alarmed. She seemed to be ‘blushing’.
“She’s my hostage now,” he pointed a pocketed gun at her back.
“Oooooh my!” Sally looked positively radiant!
“Now, John, let her go! Come with me peaceably.” replied the Officer Kent.
John grabbed Sally, who was smiling a bit too cheerfully, and running with her to the door of the Church. My Father, hit him over the head with my bouquet. John rubbed his head, picked up the bouquet and smothered my Father, who happened to be allergic to all flora, with it. My Dad engaged in a sneezing fit.
John got Sally and made it out the front door and halfway down the steps, where his newly-met ‘Best Man’, hit him with the cage that contained the doves. The force of the blow, caused the cage to open and release the white birds. In their fear, they began pelting everyone with yesterday’s feed. The whole wedding party was covered in dove poop!
“Daddy, do something, and stop sneezing!” I cried for some kind of end to this fairy tale wedding from Hell.
John and Sally ran to my car, Sally didn’t appear to be struggling too much. They got into the ‘just married’ decorated car and sped down the street. Groomsmen, Dad, Father Hallihan and Officer Kent were running after them. Officer Kent pulled his gun and shot into the air, hitting a dove, sending it down in a thud on top of my Mother.
I sat down, waiting for tears of loss to occur, but then the laughter of the whole event just took over. I laughed so hard, I busted two buttons off of my ivory, off the shoulder, dress.
“What’s so damned funny!” my mother asked.
“I forgot to put gas in the car. They’re not going to get more than half a block.” I pulled my knees to my chin and laughed in hysterics; as I watched the men run after the car and into it when it shut down due to lack of fuel.
I always wanted a wedding that no one would forget. I had pulled it off! The wedding of all weddings!