So, who are all the brainiacs who decided to get rid of Pluto? Frankly, I think they’re making a big mistake. First of all, I’m pretty sure it’s the only planet named after a Disney character, which is cool. And let’s not forget that Pluto was by far our cutest planet. Just like a perfect little gumball way out there orbiting around in its silly little cock-eyed way. And Lord knows, the scientists could use all the cute they can get.

Not to mention the fact that there are other planets we really should get rid of. Like… oh, I don’t know… Uranus? Honestly, what’s the point of Uranus? You can’t even have an intelligent conversation about Uranus.

If you don’t believe me, say the following out loud: Uranus is extremely large. Uranus spins on its side. Uranus is frigid. There is absolutely no intelligent life on Uranus. And, my personal favorite: Brown rings have been discovered around Uranus.

Remember a few years back when Dan Rather had to report the discovery of those rings on the evening news? Out of embarrassment — self-preservation — he opted to pronounce it UR-uh-nus (instead of the customary your-anus). And thus began his descent down the slippery slope of shoddy journalism. After all, once you start altering word pronunciations to suit your ego, it’s a pretty short leap to fabricating a letter about the president’s stint in the National Guard, right?

Of course, I admit to having somewhat of an ax to grind with Uranus. I recently found out that, astrologically-speaking, Uranus is my ruling planet. Nice. That’s pretty much like saying a giant celestial ass calls all the shots for me. (Which is exactly why I stopped going to church in the first place, come to think of it.) And my planetary ruler isn’t just any ass. It’s your ass.

Maybe getting rid of Uranus is too harsh. After all, Uranus is way too big to ignore (so I’ve heard). Maybe we could just give it a new name. Something less anatomically descriptive. Something cuter.

Like, say… Pluto.