Ah, the workout.

Our often futile attempt to get in shape. What shape? There are all kinds of shapes. A circle is a shape. If I choose to be a circle, that should be OK, right?

Anyhow, there are different types of workouts you can find at the gym. And everyone’s doing something, trying to do something, or used to do something… until they hurt something. In which case, they’re just hanging out, trying to pick up gym chicks. Anyway, let’s look at a few workouts…

AEROBICS. One overly peppy person in the front of a room yelling at larger, rounder, less peppy people in stretchy clothes, while they all hop around like 5-year-olds who have to pee. The salt on the wound here is that these easy listening fans get to do this all to music by the likes of the Chemical Brothers. The goal is to get your heart racing for 20 minutes or more. My way? Opening my credit card bills. My heart rate is usually up for the rest of the week.

STEP AEROBICS. OK, for those with even more money to waste than the $100s of
dollars for the gym membership itself, you can buy a nice $40 piece of plastic that you put on the ground. A new peppy person yells at you to stand on your piece of plastic. This is where I take offense. I just spent $40 on this piece of plastic and now I have to stand on it. Then they make you step off of it. And on. And off. Now, you start to feel like some trained circus animal. Whatever. I’d probably get a better workout lugging this big old piece of plastic around.

FREE WEIGHTS. Just the fact that they call ’em dumbbells should tip you off. Lift heavy stuff. Put it down. Repeat until every part of your muscle feels like you have sulfuric acid in it. Free weights are also big, blunt, and heavy. So I know that somehow, some way, I’m getting clocked in the head or on the foot, in which case, I’d be hopping up and down like one of the suckers in the aerobics class. No thanks.

Then you’ve got posers – the guys with the gloves, the belt, the EVERLAST t-shirt, and the bandannas. Thing is, you never see them lifting. Just standing around offering to spot people. And the ‘roid heads. Look, buddy, I’d like to be as ripped as the next guy, but let me say it loud and clear. STEROIDS SHRINK YOUR GENITALS. And no matter how buff you are, some woman will laugh at you when she sees your shriveled little pickle, unless she’s a ‘roid head too, in which case she’s probably already grown her own.

UNIVERSAL/NAUTILUS WEIGHTS. The yuppie “”lite”” version of free weights. Strap yourself in, stick your arm here and your leg here, and stick this pin in over here. POOF! You’ve worked your deltoids – or altoids. Man, I don’t know. And Universal machines are just embarrassing because everyone can see that you’re only using ONE plate, and squealing like a little school girl to get it up over your head.

JOGGING. OK, this one’s easy. I hated running in elementary school. I hated it in high school. I hated it in college. I hate it now. I only run when something’s chasing me. I really think that’s what nature intended. And the worst is running in a circle. If I have to run, at least let me be somewhere new when I’m done.

TAE-BO. Now, this must be cool, because I saw it in an infomercial. There’s kicking, yelling, and instead of a little peppy person up front, it’s some guy I’d be afraid to meet in an alley. And I think this also works because not only are you getting a full-body workout (so they say), you also learn how to kick someone’s butt if they call you fat. And if you just had that ability before you joined the gym, you would have been fine in the first place and saved yourself some dough.

And that’s not all. There’s all kinds of new stuff every day. Sliding. Spinning. All in pursuit of the perfect body. And why? So people of the same sex will hate you. And people of the opposite sex will only want you for your body.

A t-shirt I once saw said it best: Eat Right. Work Out. Die anyway.