If you happened to be in Sam’s Club in Loveland, CO a week or two back and were startled to hear the opening bars of the Van Halen song, Jump, being played on one of the key boards at top volume, you have me to thank for bringing a little music into your shopping day. I didn’t do it to show off my skills, which are limited to chopsticks and the first bar of this particular song, but to embarrass my wife. She was horrified, of course, especially when I started to sing.
My wife, make no mistake, is an extraordinarily beautiful, charming, funny woman, god love her, but she is a bit prickly about certain things. She has, at last count, not including the above scene, five specific pet peeves, most of which I find silly and strange, probably because I am guilty of perpetrating one or all of them on a daily basis. There are more, of course, but these are the most serious.
1) Sneezing: Sneezing is disgusting and should only be done when absolutely necessary. Sneezing for the sake of sneezing will not be tolerated. Anyone caught looking at the sun, or using other sneeze-inducing techniques, will be severely repremanded. If all sneeze-preventing efforts fail and the sneeze is unavoidable, you must, even at the risk of permanent injury or death, hold it in. After one of these internal explosions, I tell her that my heart has stopped, thank you very much, to which she replies, smiling, “Yes, I know.”
2) The talking yawn: This is one of my personal favorites. I am an admitted talking yawner. It gives me great pleasure to see if she can figure out what I’m saying through my strange, alien-like speech. My two dogs also seem to enjoy it. This one usually throws her into such a fit of rage that it is best done behind a heavily bolted door.
3) “What?”: I think the source of the hostility is when I say, “What?” when she knows I’ve heard her. There is a possibility that I do this on purpose; perhaps that’s why she has taken to throwing things at me.
4) Gulping: Unlike sneezing, which she realizes is unavoidable at times, gulping is entirely preventable and will not be permitted under any circumstances, even if the stomach is twisting itself into knots in search of water. Drinking should be done in sips of two or three, but no more; anything beyond that is considered indecent. Furthermore, one should allow several minutes to elapse between sip-sets.
5) Hiccuping: This one ranks right up there with torturing small animals. Faced with hiccuping she is often silent for a moment, which is disconcerting, then she lets loose a barrage of remedies, “Hold your breath, for god’s sake, drink something, stare at the sun, hang upside down, throw yourself in front of traffic if you have to.” If this doesn’t work she will usuall remover herself from the situation, lest there be any sharp objects within reach.
The irony, of course, is that when ever she sneezes, gulps, or hiccups—and she does, no matter what she says—, she thinks it’s the funniest thing since whoopee-cushions. Which brings me to my last point: Passing gas, oddly enough, is not frowned upon, and is often encouraged if she’s in a certain frame of mind.
I am not picking on my wife. Make no mistake, I love her dearly, but I’m just not as sensitive as she is. Things bother me, of course, but they are perfectly normal things: baby talk; kissing noises; cats drinking, bathing themselves, or eating; certain kinds of fabric; whispering; drool; expiration dates . . .