Attention! Whether you are a first-time parent who will face the intimidating task of potty training in the next few years or someone who is suffering through it right now, fear not, fellow moms and dads!

Today I am offering the knowledge that I have gained from potty training two kids of my own, all free of charge! And this is yours to clip, hang next to the toilet and keep for reference on all those frustrating days when you squat in the bathroom with your child chanting “”just try again”” over and over until you yourself have to use the facilities.

Before considering taking the plunge into potty training, you should first go to the store and stock up. Here’s what to put on your list: Underwear (with idolized cartoon characters), laundry soap (to wash the cartoon characters), and training diapers (to turn to when you’re tired of doing laundry.) A helpful tip would be to purchase undies and training diapers in all styles and brands because you never know what Jr. will feel like wearing one day, and Batman vs. Camouflage might be the difference between success and even more laundry.

You might notice I didn’t recommend buying bribery items for the little one. This method, while it has been used many times, often results in large collections of little toys. Consider the mother who offered a train for each successful trip to the restroom. I think she had to get a job to pay for them all—and a second job to pay for the addition on her house to store them all.

Instead of material bribery, I like to use a method I like to call “all by yourself.” While this technique might not be approved by the American Association of Pediatrics, I find it works well not only for potty training, but also in learning valuable skills around the house.

To employ the “all by yourself” method, simply introduce your child to such items as the washer and dryer, mop and bucket, scrub brush, etc, and demonstrate how really un-fun it is to use these tools. Explain to the child that if he or she does not use the bathroom “all by yourself” he or she will be having to do the laundry and mop the floor “all by yourself.” Works wonders once you get over the guilt of seeing a two-year old hauling a bucket of PineSol around…

Understand, though, to completely toilet-train your child it may take many weeks. There will be plenty of times when you will think that changing a few diapers a day would be much easier, but like the corn he ate for dinner last night, this too shall pass. During the transformation into a “big girl” or “big boy,” you will find yourself going through a little change of your own.

And to make the traits less shocking, I will share two of the characteristics you will somehow inherit, despite your best efforts to avoid them.

1. Be prepared to drop everything at the first mention of “potty.” Or sometimes your child will just pause and get a worried look on his or her face, and you will start running. You will find yourself dropping whatever you are doing, whether it is carrying a large stack of dishes or performing brain surgery. Whatever it is, it can wait until after the mad dash to the bathroom.

2. Be prepared to be a real potty mouth. You will find that you will never in your life say cutsie names for body parts and their subsequent functions so many times in one day. And you’ll say them without flinching, despite the goofy looks you’ll get when saying them in public.

But don’t feel badly about the pile of dropped dishes or the potty mouth you’ve become. We all do it. It’s just one more thing that bonds us parents of young children, past or present, together in an unbreakable bond of tiredness and understanding.

We’ve all done our time waiting in the bathroom for our children to understand that toilet paper is more than just a fun toy to tear apart into thousands of pieces. Eventually, no matter what method you choose, it will happen. So don’t get too comfortable sitting by the sink, because soon enough your child will be potty trained and you can pass these words of wee-wee wisdom onto someone else.