I’m a good writer – how do I know? I’ve been plagiarized by the best. Well maybe not the best, but at least the recognizable. We’re not talking Pulitzer Prize winning publications here, but on the pop culture map, enough on the map that I wanted to be included as a rest stop but now I hope they crash and burn. Have I mixed my metaphors? In any case the analogy has taken a wrong turn and run out of gas. Okay, maybe I was hasty about that good writer remark.

But the plagiarism part is all too true. The problem of plagiarism has been around since the Stone Age. One guy draws a woolly mammoth on a cave wall and the next thing you know everybody’s drawing woolly mammoths. Shamelessly plagiarized woolly mammoths.

I remember hearing Bob Newhart (not a caveman) talk about how he was plagiarized (no woolly mammoths involved.) He started out as a writer trying to sell jokes to other comedians who rejected his material and then used it as their own. The exact same thing happened to me except I’m not a stand-up comic, have never sold a joke and am not Bob Newhart. But there are other similarities.

I submitted material to a well known humor magazine that I once enjoyed but now hope is plagued with painful boils (no hard feelings here.) I satirized the decay of society using such examples as a decline in canine pop culture icons from loyal Lassie to beer swilling Spuds McKenzie. They rejected the concept and article – not funny enough for their magazine. Several months later they ran an article about the decay of society characterized by the decline of canine pop culture icons from loyal Lassie to beer-swilling Spuds McKenzie. I guess it suddenly became funnier when one of their staff writers got the paycheck and byline. I’ve often remarked how hilarious petty thievery can be. I’ll refrain from naming the publication except to say that when I saw my work reproduced like a woolly mammoth, I was mad. Mad with a capital M, capital A, capital D.

I’m also a successful television writer except for the fact that I’ve never received a screen credit or salary. A minor detail. I launched an info series for a big cable movie channel. I submitted to them a previously published article of mine i.e., it appeared in a magazine and I was given compensation and credit for my work (you know, the good old fashioned ethical method.) I suggested the concept might make a good recurring column for their cable magazine. It was entitled Real to Reel, in which real life incidents made their way to the silver screen. My article and idea were rejected. Several months later the cable channel ran a series entitled Real to Reel which explored how real life incidents made their way to the silver screen. Again, I’ll refrain from naming the cable channel but would like to mention, for no particular reason, that I was driving an AMC car at the time of the incident.

For my next big project I intend to write a screenplay that earns millions of dollars, none of which I will ever see, and catapult someone other than me to fame and fortune. I know I sound ambitious but the rewards are so great. I can’t wait to get started – wish me luck!