Hard as it is to believe, we’ve reached that time of year again where parents take their children to the mall for back-to-school shopping. It may not be that hard to believe for some of you, who were ready to send them back to school on approximately June 28, when you realized that your home had acquired a clinging ivy plant which had grown out of control and attached itself permanently to the bed or the TV remote.

It seems like only yesterday when Junior was saying all of those cute little things that kids say when he was first learning to talk. As he grows older and continues to develop into a mature adult, he has expanded his vocabulary and now uses such adorable sayings as “All the other kids are buying new Mac computers! You never let me do anything!”

This of course, is one of the drawbacks about getting your child ready to return to school: there will be other children there. Which means they are likely to speak to your child, and remind him that you are totally unfair about everything, and are an incredible dweeb. The divulging of this information is part of an ongoing conspiracy among school children which has yet to see a Congressional investigation.

These children are the influences who instill in your child that all parents are evil, and that your child needs to do something to irritate you, like dying his hair pink.

Of course, there is no need to be upset about this, because your child is merely making an innocent statement to assert his or her individuality. So if this event ever takes place without your knowledge, you’ll need to have a frank discussion with your child right after you are released from the Intensive Care Unit.

But be very careful. If you begin this little chat with the phrase “When I was your age,” chances are he will immediately run away and join a band of gypsies. When talking to a child about peer influences, you will always want to avoid the explanation which would be most logical for him, to actually tell him all of the foreign substances you tried in the 1970s, and look how you turned out.

And whatever you do, be sure to hide your high school yearbook pictures.

In spite of all that, you will take Junior to the mall anyway. That’s unless he had been hanging out there already. If he was doing anything besides hanging, he could have told you that the mall offers their best back-to-school sales around June 30 to July 1, and he’ll be needing a new backpack, which costs approximately $437.

That’s because backpacks have to be made stronger nowadays due to all of the homework children are being assigned. Your son or daughter will need to be part of the “jock” clique this year in order to lift it.

The course books he will carry in them, which include the new history books that have now been updated to cover stories as recent as the Nixon resignation, weigh over 1,137 pounds and cost about the same number collectively.

After all of the books are bought, the stylish student wants a new back-to-school outfit. The world of fashion offers many alternatives for the student who wishes to impress his peers and outrage his parents.

Old 1970s ponchos are available for the girl who wants to pull together a “vintage” or “retro” look. Granted, when her mom wore hers, the daughter called it something else altogether (“dorky”).

For the boys, a new pair of jeans is always a good bet. You can now buy them stone washed or pre-rumpled, and they are available in loose fit, relaxed fit, deeply conflicted fit, regular straight leg, low riders, and severely angst ridden. Waist measurements come in varying sizes, while jean lengths start at 50 inches and go to 75 inches, and they contain a minimum of 137 pockets.

And now that your child is adequately prepared for school, you might want to have another friendly talk with him about any problems he might face there and what you expect from him at home. These discussions generally wind up like this:

YOU: “You’ll do what I say as long as you’re living under my roof!”

CHILD: “Bobby Jones got to have his tongue pierced, why can’t I?”

YOU: If Bobby Jones decided to jump off his roof, would you do that too?”

But you don’t really say that to him because nowadays you realize there’s a good chance he just might do that. Then you remember that someday he’ll have kids his own age, and then your payback will be complete. Have a great school year.