“Mom. Dad. I’ve got something to tell you.”

“Must be important to drag us down here. You need more lights, Larry.”

“Well, maybe not for long, Mom.”

“Our 30 year old son is moving out of our basement?”

“Yes, Dad—but that’s not the important part. I found someone I want to marry. You see, there was this court decision…”

“Frank, he’s gay!”

“Son, does he have his own place?”

“I’m not gay, and I will be moving out. I’m sorry Mom—I know you’re going to miss me so much.”

“I’ll get over it. When can you leave?”

“Wait, Ceilia. So what’s the problem with this court decision, son?”

“Well actually that’s the thing—there is no problem. Not anymore. You see, the Supreme Court has ruled that corporations are persons.”

“So?”

“So, I’m love with one and I want to marry her.”

“See, Ceilia? You had to let him go to that progressive summer camp when he was sixteen. He’s been off ever since.”

“Quiet, Frank. Larry, this corporation, is she nice? She’s just not interested in you for your money?”

“If he had money, would he be living in our basement?”

“Mom, I admit I’ve spent a lot on her.”

“I knew it.”

“But she’s already sent me some super dividends.”

“That’s nice. How well do you know her?”

“You’re making me blush, Mom, but I’ve already seen her operation.”

“Oh, that’s different,” his father said, elbowing him in the ribs “Who is she? Sara Lee? Mary Kaye, Este´e Lauder, ConAgra?

“ConAgra?”

“Well they give girls funny names nowadays.”

“Wait, Frank. Larry,is it Fannie Mae?”

“Mom, I don’t even know if Fannie Mae is strictly a corporation, I mean person.”

“I say she is, and she works for the Government. That’s a nice steady job. Or, there are plenty of fine catches out there, Marie Callender, Betty Crocker, Mrs. Butterworth. All very domestic, too.”

“Listen to yourself, Celia.They’re way too old for any son of mine. Say, Larry, did you ever go out with some of those foreign bodies?”

“Well I had a fling with Stella Artois. But I found I really liked Americans better. I made the scene with St. Pauli Girl for awhile.”

“That’s my boy. Hey, Larry, how that about that Ruby Tuesday? She’s a beauty!”

“Quiet Frank. Now, dear, you know that you’re in for the long haul. And you’ll have to take the good with the bad. Companies have their faults along with their good points, and now that they’re persons, apparently they also have feelings, so you can’t treat them as if they’re unfeeling corporations anymore.”

“I know that Mom. I met her in the market, and as you can imagine, these last few years our relationship has been very volatile to say the least. She even threatened to move overseas for awhile. But I love her, and the feeling is mutual.”

“Have you been true to her?”

“Well, Dad, there have been options. I was tempted to stray a couple of times. You know, you hang around the barbershop and you hear tips about some hot company, and you’re tempted to take a flyer…”

“Boys will be boys.”

“Shut up, Frank. Larry, have you met the family? Does she come from common stock?

“With me, she’s preferred all the way. She’s the result of a very friendly merger and has a respectable parent corporation…as well as some delightful sister companies.”

“Is she a closely held corporation?”

“She is when I’m around! “And Dad, I’ll introduce you two to my gal soon enough. But there is a problem.”

“A rival, huh? A hostile takeover?”

“No, nothing like that. And even if she does ever split, she’ll still be loyal to me. She calls me her precious little shareholder. But, well, there’s the possibility of a little company in the offing, and I don’t know if we’re quite ready.”

“A moral dilemma, eh?”

“Yes, Dad. We can’t agree on whether a start-up becomes a person when its stock issues are blessed by the SEC, or…”

“Or when?”

“Or when it gets its seed money.”