(PHONE RINGS)

“Good morning, Fat Ass Airlines, Cliff speaking, how may I help you?”

“So that wasn’t a joke? I saw your ad and I had to make sure.”

“No sir, we at Fat Ass Airlines don’t think the present discomfort of air traveling public is a joke.”

“Well, what’s the deal?”

“We’ve bought a number of planes from various sources and retrofitted them completely for the utmost in comfort, featuring much wider seats than any offered today, including first class seats; we scour the globe for sources, including decommissioned planes from the air forces of Chad, Monaco, Upper Volta, and Greater Fatassistan.”

“Now that last one was a joke.”

“Can’t fool you, sir. We are all in good humor here because of the good work we do. Now let me ask you, are you a Fat Ass yourself?”

“Isn’t that a little rude?”

“No. We don’t think of it as a pejorative term. I’m not being a wise ass, and I’m not trying to make you the butt of any cracks. Science is all about truth. We’re just going by the facts of measurements. The average airline seat is 17.2 inches wide. For a 250 pound person, that’s a tight squeeze, to put it mildly. Our seats are 24 inches wide. Our motto is, ‘Fat Ass beats First Class.’”

“Well, with me, it’s more of a glandular prob….”

(INTERRUPTING) “Sir, we don’t judge how you came to be a Fat Ass—we just want to address the reality of the situation and do everything we can to make you comfortable.”

“And charge a lot more while you’re doing it.”

“Naturally. But not much more than airlines who embarrass people with Fat Asses that overflow standard size seats by making them purchase two seats.”

“It hasn’t come to that for me yet. But I fear someday it will.”

“Understandable. You can avoid any such problems by booking through Fat Ass Airlines. We have already factored everything in by using a scientific formula. We call it ‘The ratio between the price of the gas and the size of your ass.’”

“I guess that makes sense.”

“And we’ve done even more to improve the comfort of our passengers. We’ve doubled the size of the bathrooms at the aft (or ‘ass end’) of the cabin.

“Wow, maybe now I could finally join the Mile High Club!”

“Not quite our main purpose, but I suppose so, if you could find a willing partner.”

“Yeah, that might still be a problem. But anyway, I’m sure I would enjoy using a more comfortable airplane bathroom.”

“Yes even skinny ass passengers would appreciate that. That’s why we are even getting normal size customers.”

“Ah?”

“Sorry, average size customers.”

“That’s better. Now how about more room in the overhead compartments?”

“Just how many snacks are you planning on taking? Suck it up. In case of a low sugar emergency, we do have a supply of candy bars. That and bottled water in a cooler is all that’s left of our galley. Getting rid of all that weight saved our ass.

“I also wanted to know about any extra leg room.”

“Way ahead of you sir. With the extra square inchage..”

“Inchage?”

“Industry term, sir. Anyway, by eliminating a few rows, we were able to apply the space savings to increasing leg room to accommodate even the taller than normal height passenger.”

“How tall?”

“Roughly, the middle ground between the height of an NBA point guard and a shooting guard.

“So, ‘tall’?”

“Six four and a half.”

“And, by extension, a ‘Tall Ass’?”

“Nice try, but that doesn’t work. We say ‘Big Ass.’”

“So what do you say—where can we send your Fat Ass?”

“I’ll take your LA to Chicago flight next Tuesday
morning.”

“Great. Flight leaves at 8:32 am–it’s a four hour and forty minute ride of sheer comfort. Might even be shorter.”

“How’s that?”

“Might catch a favorable tail wind. Now, make sure you get your Fat Ass down here three hours ahead of takeoff.”

“Long lines for TSA checks?”

“Long lines for last minute donut runs.”

“Okay, I wanted to ask you one more thing (I’m intrigued by all this); with all these revolutionary concepts, what’s been the most difficult challenge facing Fat Ass Airlines?”

“Designing a logo.”