“After hearing the evidence, I will record a verdict of natural causes.” — John Owen

“After smelling the evidence, I will record a verdict of natural causes.” — Jeff Brown

As I took Arlo for a walk this morning, I was deeply disturbed by the amount of (how shall I put this?) evidence of other dogs that live in my neighborhood. YUCK. It seemed every other sidewalk square was flanked by a pile of the stuff, and, in one case, it was actually on the sidewalk. The whole situation left a bad taste in Arlo’s mouth, too. (Literally.)

This seems like a good time for me to declare to my neighbors (at least the ones who don’t have dogs) that I didn’t do it.

Upon re-reading the preceding sentence, this seems like a good time for me to re-phrase it for clarity. Here’s a more accurate version: My dog didn’t do it.

That’s not to say he hasn’t done it. Perhaps even in your yard if you live nearby. But, what I’m trying to say here is my wife and I are responsible pet owners. WE CLEAN UP AFTER OUR DOG. Vickie and I never leave the house with Arlo without an empty plastic Wal-Mart bag– just in case we need to get rid of some, err, evidence that we recently darkened your doorstep (or made it kind of brownish green).

My wife is especially serious about cleaning up after him. In fact, whenever she walks the dog, she proudly displays the bag for the entire world to see. Her body language practically screams to the surrounding property owners, “Relax, I’ve got this situation firmly under control– bagged and tagged.” (Well, maybe not “tagged.”)

I’m sneakier because I prefer to carry the bag in my pocket. Yep, I like to keep the neighbors guessing.

Neighbor #1: “Does he have a bag or doesn’t he?”

Neighbor #2: “That Jeff sure is a sneaky one.”

Because I’m such a conscientious person, I sometimes feel bad when Arlo raises his leg and claims the neighbor’s mailbox post as his own. (I hope it isn’t a federal crime.) This situation is especially awkward when the neighbor is standing right there, opening his new NRA welcome package.

Interesting fact: Membership comes with a free decal.

But, what am I supposed to do? It’s not like I’m going to carry a roll of paper towels with me every time I walk the dog.

Neighbor #1: I hope he didn’t forget the Lysol.

Neighbor #2: Does Jeff do windows?

I suppose I should spend less time worrying about the messes my dog makes and more time worrying about getting incarcerated. That’s right– I think Arlo is trying to get me arrested.

There are quite a few houses in my neighborhood that are near the sidewalk. There are also quite a few people in my neighborhood who don’t shut their blinds after dark. Guess where Arlo likes to do his business?

So there I am, standing in front of somebody’s window, while my dog is watering the garden gnome collection. I try my best not to look inside. Let me tell you this: It’s bad enough that I have to suffer through my wife’s favorite show, Say Yes to the Dress, at home, but when I’m out walking the dog?

It’s not fair.

Neighbor #1: Who’s peeping in my window?

Neighbor #2: I’m calling the authorities.

Jeff: Would it kill you guys to change the channel every once in a while?

But I’m not too worried. I’ll be long gone before the cops show up, and besides, I’m a mastermind neat-freak criminal. There won’t be any evidence I was ever there.

Unless, of course, somebody has a picture of me holding the bag.