Hungry for entertainment? Tired of the same old, same old? Then call your cable company today and order The Fish Channel. It’s true, and it’s popular. The whole premise is a television camera focused on an aquarium full of tropical fish. That’s it. You probably could call it “the perfect pet.” You can look at them anytime. You don’t have to feed them. You don’t have to clean them. And, best of all, when they go belly-up, you don’t have to flush them.
I guess if people want to watch a bunch of fish swimming around, why not? (“Hey, honey, bring in the chips. I think the angel fish is about to swim through the castle.”)
It probably would be a good idea to break up the tedium with maybe a little action-adventure. You know, lower a couple of plastic deep sea divers on strings, with the Jaws theme playing in the background and maybe a voice-over. “We’re cautiously crossing the floor of this dangerous Land of Atlantis. Bob, look out for that sunfish! Ahhhh!!!!” Maybe a little underwater turbulence with the aid of an eggbeater. Just watch the ratings climb and the rate card go up.
The Fish Channel may, or may not, be part of a 500 channel grand expansion scheduled to take place in the future. If so, here are some of the channels I would like to see proposed:
The Nose Hair Channel – Can you hear the promo for this one? It’s The Nose Hair Channel. Watch as it grows and grows. If the ratings don’t improve, we’re going to yank it.
The Brady Channel – Watch every possible episode that The Brady Bunch ever made. Not only that, but watch them in every language conceivable. German – “Achtung, Jan Brady! Das bootin Bobby vit un goofball.” French – “Bonjour, mon pere. Bobby est une goofball.” Spanish – “Que pasa, Alice. Donde esta la goofball, Bobby?” Jive – “What it is, homeboy? You best be tellin’ me where that chump Bobby B. be.”
One of my favorites is The Celebrity Belly Channel. Not quite as mesmerizing as The Nose Hair Channel. On Celebrity Belly, contestants will actually guess who the celebrity is by listening to disgusting gurgles and digestive sounds from their stomachs. (In stereo and HD, where available.)
Of course, included in the 500 channel selections there will be offerings for the kiddies, like The Animal Channel. This channel will feature a variety of shows starring our furry friends. Example: Leave It To Beaver. First up – Beaver learns how to gnaw through a stack of knotty pine and how to carve his initials on a weeping willow through a picket fence. Another favorite is Doggie Howser, M.D. – Tonight, Doggie treats a milking cow that is lactose intolerant.
Another channel for the young is The Mom Channel. The Mom Channel is for children of all ages. It’s mainly for those who may not live close enough to maintain contact with their parents. Some of the shows on The Mom Channel include, “Sit Up, Don’t Slouch,” “Shut Up And Go To Sleep Up There,” and my personal favorite, “So, Do You Even Care That I Went Through Thirty-Nine Hours Of Labor With You?”
For you sports fans out there, there will be The MSG/Tarragon Channel. Spanning the globe to bring you sporting events no other sports channel dares to bring you, including, “The Ginder Toss Championship,” “The International Cockroach Roundup,” and one the advertisers are sure to line up for, “The Annual Berlin Bagel Bake-off.”
So, for those of you who think there’s nothing to watch on television now, just wait until there are 500 channels to choose from.